Let me Share with You

I'm going to share with any people that read my blog today something that I wrote a long, long time ago when I was going through something very difficult. I was going through some files today on my computer to clean it up a little and came across this. It's crazy how reading something that was written so long ago can take you back to that time and place in an instant. You can smell the smells, feel the feelings, and literally re-live that time. I wrote this when I was planning on starting a support group at a church I was attending at the time. The group never came to fruition, however the writing is still here and it makes me feel good to read it now and see how far I've come in *gulp* 11 years since the time I was going through this. Hopefully someone else can read it and get inspiration from it as well. Enjoy. (It's kind of long).

THE METAMORPHISIS

Imagine for a
moment with me that you are in your backyard. As you wander
through the
grass, admiring the crisp fall air, the beautiful leaves
turning colors of
gold and ash and red, you begin to imagine. The air
smells sweet and has a
touch of winter to it. You can picture yourself
very soon sitting by the
fire, popping popcorn and enjoying being with your
loved ones at Christmas
as you share fond memories of holidays past. As
you begin to come out of
your reverie, your eyes come face to face with a
cocoon, balancing itself on
one of the leaves of a tree. You admire it,
and you revel at the amazement
of the transformation that is happening
within that little haven. An
unattractive, rejected creature is going
through a metamorphosis that will
result in one of the most beautiful
creatures God has ever created.....a
butterfly. It is completely unique to
itself, and unlike any other ever
created. Its wings consist of almost
every color in the rainbow. Its shape
allows it to soar over the earth.
It's gentle and humble, un-harming, yet
able to take care of itself. You
smile to yourself, thank God for small
wonders, and walk back into your
house where Mom has prepared a wonderful
meal that your whole family will
undoubtedly gorge itself on. The cocoon
slips out of your mind, to be
un-thought of again until you happen to run
across another. You are
completely unaware of what is happening within the
cocoon....

Outside, the wind begins to blow, rocking the fragile leaf
that houses the
precious creature inside. Inside the cocoon sits the
creature, in a
precarious state. Will it make it? Or will the stormy
weathers outside
its safe shell wreak havoc on the process it is undergoing?
It shivers.
It can see outside, but it's very foggy. It is completely aware
of it's
surroundings, but unable to attach emotion to it. After all, it's
between
worlds. It's in a shell, unable to love, live, or communicate until
that
shell is broken. Until it can spread it's wings and fly and show its
beauty to the world. But will it get that chance? Not if the cruel world
with its stormy weather and unpredictable circumstances have anything to
do with it. No, this creature must rely on a greater force. One that can
withstand all the trials and tribulations that it must go through to get
there. But it's unable to see, and understand. It must rely on trust. It
tries to see out, to understand what's going on in the outside world. It
wants to relate, to commune with nature and all of God's creatures. But
it's stuck. Bound by a greater force. A hard wall that is strong enough
to keep it locked in, but not strong enough to keep out the knowledge that
the world is out there. With great effort the creature struggles, and
eventually gets enough strength up to push. But to no avail. The wall is
as solid as a rock. It tries again. Still no luck. With several more
efforts, the creature resigns to the fact that it is stuck there, sighs,
and leans against the wall of its prison. "Will I ever get out of here?"
it wonders. "Will I ever be able to see the world as everyone else sees
it?" It feels alone, lost, scared and unsure. It only longs to be like
everyone else, like all the other creatures out there that have already
completed their METAMORPHISIS. But alas, it must wait. Hoping it lives
through all the obstacles it must live through. It's tired of being on the
outside looking in. It's tired of being in a body it feels uncomfortable
in. It's tired of being trapped, knowing there's better things out there,
but they're so far out of reach, and it has no idea how to bring them
within reach. It's just tired. Out of place. Alone.

This scenario
describes just as I felt while enduring an eating disorder. It may also be the
way many others feel while going through many other types of issues. I was
trapped. I knew what was happening, but there wasn't a thing I could do about
it. I had no way out. I was an outsider looking in, but unable to be a part of
the life I was
observing. Like the caterpillar hovering in its cocoon, I was
trapped in
my own private hell. I watched the world around me, enjoying all
the
beauty, and everyday activities, but I was completely unable to be a
participant. I became withdrawn, preventing myself from being hurt by
outside forces. I distanced myself from my family and friends, and became
a person that I myself didn't even recognize. What was this strange and
unfamiliar creature that was living within me; this disease that had
overtaken my body? I tried over and over but to no avail, to try to break
that wall, free myself of the prison that I had put myself in. I was
lonely, tired, out of place and alone. "What is the purpose of this?", I
questioned to myself and to God every single day of my life. Why me, God?
Why am I going through this hell? No answer that I got ever satisfied me.
And I knew I was stuck. The knowledge of what I was doing to myself
superseded the fear of getting fat, of losing control and being unable to
regain it. I couldn't let that happen. So I continued to harm myself. I
was in danger of not completing the METAMORPHISIS that God was trying to
achieve. The outside forces of the world that rocked my safe little haven
were threatening to win. Would I make it? Luckily, I did.
But not
without months of in-patient treatment, and the love and support
of my
family and friends, and most importantly my final resignation to put
my
faith, trust, and life in the hands of my creator.....the one who would
indeed complete that transformation. It's not an easy thing to overcome,
in fact, it's the hardest task I've ever had to accomplish in my whole
life. But the end result is amazing......

After what seems forever,
the creature begins to stir. It had given up the
fight, admitted to the fact
that it wasn't its fight in the first place,
and placed its well-being in
the capable hands of it's creator. It was a
terribly hard thing to do, but
when that stubborn wall refused to break on
its own, and when that fog that
clouded its vision refused to lift, it
decided it had no choice but to
wait....and wait....and wait....and trust
that that greater force knew what
it was doing. Not that the creature
didn't work....Oh, no....it worked with
all it's might. For, you see, once
it put it's faith and trust in its
creator, things began to happen. And
the work became a mission to become all
it could be and free itself of that
horrible prison. And eventually it
did....it didn't happen all at once,
but day by day, the wall became softer,
and the fog became thinner, and the
terribly strong strings that had bound
it began to unravel. And one day,
without even realizing it, they were gone.
It had been such a slow subtle
process, that it didn't even realize that it
was at this very moment,
soaring over the earth, the wind through its wings,
with more freedom than
it had ever imagined. Beautiful in its own right,
because it was unique.

The butterfly never forgot those days that it
spent in that cocoon. While
it was a trying and difficult time, and it would
never want to repeat it,
the experience taught it strength, perseverance,
character, and the
ability to put its total trust and faith in something it
couldn't see,
touch, or hear. And the result....total METAMORPHISIS.

By Kristen P.
October 1995

I Need More Time!

Yesterday was just one of those days. You know how you can tell from the second you wake up that you should maybe re-think opening your eyes and just crawl back under covers? Yeah, that was my day yesterday. Before I re-count my day, I will just start by saying that my precious, jewel of my eye little girls used to be the happiest babies when they woke up in the morning. I was always treated with a huge gummy smile when they woke up back in the day, and the fresh smell of baby in the morning. It was like a ray of sunshine that made me happy to be alive. Not so much anymore.

So, anyway, at sometime during the night last night, both of them ended up in bed with hubby & I, which prompted hubby moving to the downstairs couch to sleep. Four people sleeping in one bed is not such a treat. I just love getting toes up my nose. That always makes for a good sleep. I was just having a delightful dream that included Roseanne & Dan Connor (y'know, from the good ole 80's sitcom that is now in marathon re-runs on Nick-at-Nite), and Johnny Depp from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. My house was a tidal wave of chocolate and all of us (yes, Rosey & Dan included) were trying to wade through it and survive the monsoon of chocolate. As I was desperately trying to wake myself up from this wierdest of wierd dreams, somewhere far off in the distance, I hear the screeching sound of some little child hollering, "MOMMMMYYY!!! UP! UP!" My eyes, which feel cemeted shut, finally open to see my formerly happy morning baby bellowing at me to get up. The fog had not yet quite lifted, but I got up and took her downstairs to get her some cereal (our usual morning routine)...by the way, this is Fiesty we are speaking of. Fiesty has become quite the opinionated kid lately. She never wants the first thing you pick out for her, be it food, a sippy cup, a pair of socks. Whatever it is, you have to go through every cup, or sock she owns before she's satisfied with the choice. So I put out the boxes of cereal.

Me: "Do you want Golden Grahams"
Fiesty: "AAAAHHH...Uh-wer-one"! (That's Fiesty speak for, "Other one").
Me: "How about Honey Nut Cheerios"
Fiesty:"UH-WER-ONE!!"
Me: "Oatmeal?"
Fiesty: "UH-WER-ONNNEEEE!!"

By this time, we are in full temper tantrum mode; head back, back arched and drool spilling out of mouth. I'm starting to think my daughter has been posessed. We finally arrive at an agreement. Ok, so Fiesty is set. Whew. Now I can begin making my coffee. Hardy-har-har. Think again, Kristen. The Care-Bear is awake. Luckily, Care Bear seems to be in a good mood this morning. So, great. We have two hours now to get ready for Bible Study this morning. I don't have to take Yoda to school today; he's with his so-called "real mom" this morning. It should be somewhat relaxing. Whatever. Trying to get them dressed and hair combed was like trying to swim uphill in a raging river. All I can see as I am chasing around the house with underwear and socks in my hands is two little naked butts thinking Mommy is playing some new hilarious game. "Let's see how long Mommy will chase us before she collapses into a coma!" Finally, after about a half an hour of wrestling a 1 1/2 and 3 year old (who, by the way are freakishly strong), we are dressed and ready to go. Let's get in the car. I'll carry you Fiesty. No, Fiesty wants to walk, and take as long as she possibly can, going through every snow bank, picking up snow to eat, throwing snow at mommy (which throws her into peals of laughter, while meanwhile mommy is getting less and less patient). Arriving at the church for Bible Study was like a peaceful oasis; I could feel my body relax. An hour and a half of freedom, drinking coffee and eating muffins with good friends, and discussing our children's five love languages. Today's topic?? How to teach our children to express their anger verbally rather than behaviorally. Did someone have a hidden video camera at my house this morning? Did they see me throw those clothes across the room in utter frustration?! CRAP!

The hour and a half went way too fast. I blinked and it was over. Well, maybe that hour and a half with their friends has settled my children down and we can get on with her our day. Hmmm.

Care Bear: "Mommy, can I go get a new Paggage Catch Doll?! (you can interpret that I'm sure).
Me: No, Care Bear, you just got one yesterday.
Care Bear: "Puleeezzee, Mommy! I need a new Paggage Catch Doll!
Me: No, you don't Care Bear we are going home.
Fiesty: "I DO! I DO!" (Her response to everything Care Bear says)
Me: HOME!!
(A caveat to this....we're not talking the $35 full sized Cabbage Patch Dolls. Care Bear happened upon some little Cabbage Patch key chains that retail a huge $2.99 and wants to go to "Longreens" (aka Walgreens) every day to go get another one)

After getting home, we trudged down to my mom's house to use her computer to do yesterdays blog entry. Fiesty insisted on sitting on my lap and made it literally impossible for me to type anything. I finally had to stand up, push the chair in, and bend over to type my blog....I think from now on, I'll just save the blogging for when I'm at work. (Is that twisted logic or what?!)

Upon arriving at home, I'm upstairs fixing lunch and after making my way back downstairs, discover that Care Bear has managed to empty an entire container of wipes.

Me: "Care Bear, what are you doing?!?!
Care Bear: "Wrapping some Christmas presents. Wanna play Christmas Eve?"

Hmmm...now how can you get mad at that. But still! An entire container?? After which time, Fiesty decides to take each individual wipe and rip it to un-usable shreds. Forget trying to salvage them. Oh, well.

This is pretty much the way the rest of the day progressed. Nuthin' pleased 'em. Nuthin' made 'em happy, yet they couldn't live long enough without me to let me walk outside for 5 TEENY WEENY LITTLE MINUTES to get away from the sanity! I'd sneak around the corner and try to quietly open the door while they were immersed in Barney, and I was about to shut the door, and just as I thought I was safe, "MOOOOMMMMMYYYYYYY!" Thus, the title of today's entry. Is it really too much to ask? REALLY? Don't even get me started on the grocery store which I was lucky enough to have all three kids for.

I realize that this post may sound like I'm complaining, which may sound contradictory after my post about being a part time out of home worker. I'm really not complaining. I still love the times I'm at home with my kids. Yesterday was just--ONE OF THOSE DAYS!!!

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One more thing: Today the kiddoes are with my mom who watches them while I am at work. Grandma braved the curling iron with Fiesty today, and here is her result!!

Addicted to Blogging

10 ways you know you're addicted to blogging....
In no particular order:

1. You continually think about your next blog topic
2. You hike down the street to your Mom's house, two little girls in tow, to use her computer because you don't have your own. "Huh?? What say you? You no have computer??" "No. Me no have computer. Me live in stone ages."
3. You spend your days at work blogging & browsing other blogs instead of working.
4. You spend your evenings wishing you had a computer so you could blog and browse blogs.
5. You neglect your other favorite and trusty old websites in favor of blogs.
6. When you're not blogging, you see spots in front of your eyes from staring blank-faced at a computer for hours at a time.
7. You find yourself talking in "blog speak" at home and your family members stare at you like you're from outer space.
8. You're at risk of developing a bladder infection because you neglect the bathroom.
9. Your co-workers have to continually repeat things to you because when you're blogging, you become deaf to the outside world.
10. You realize how boring the computer really was until you discovered the fun world of blogging.

Ok, so it's not all as bad as that, except that I have realized a new addiction to add to my list--see previous post. Curse you person who created blogs--you can pay for my treatment of my new addiction!!

Yes, I am addicted....

My name is Kristen, and I am an American Idol-aholic. Unfortunately for me, I don't think there is a 12 step program for those of us suffering this affliction. And I really hate the fact that I'm addicted to this program because it continually infuriates me. I am pretty sure that they purposely let in a huge amount of crappy people for the audition rounds, and in the process eliminate someone that is really good. I know this because someone I know auditioned and got turned down and she is awesome I tell you. She could have been the next AI. But, hey, what do I know? I certainly know nothing about music, or talent. I am tone deaf....whatever. So, why do I continue to watch? It's like a train wreck. You know you shouldn't watch, but you just can't help it. I tell myself every year, "NO MORE AI", but those commercials come on a month ahead of time showing the ridiculous auditions and "talent" and I just can't help myself. And then of course I get invested in someone that I like and have to watch to the end to see if they win...which they never do. My choice always gets second place....Clay, Diana, Bo....I think it's a conspiracy. In fact, that's how it is with all my reality shows...(OK, maybe I'm not just an AI addict...I have a serious reality show disease). Survivor, Bachelor (which I have been cured of), The Apprentice....I could go on and on. Can someone help me? Are there others out there with this same affliction? When summer comes, and all the shows end at the same time, I go through withdrawl and am forced to watch re-runs of Roseanne, Fresh Prince and Cosby on Nick at Nite because I can't find anything else worthwhile on TV to watch. I'm still mourning the end of Friends. I have to take a moment of silence right now.......OK moment over.

Someone out there, please surmise with me about American Idol, Survivor, whatever else so I know I am not alone. Ratings tell me I'm not alone, but I don't want to be the only MOM out there who neglects her children for an hour or so once a day to glue myself to the TV and send them off to Daddy for awhile. It's my only time of solitude all day.....maybe that's why I'm addicted. UGH. What will I do when reality TV (which we all know is not really reality) runs its course?! Perish the thought!!

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OK, I am having comment issues. My comments do not show up until I go to check my email and see that someone has commented, then I have to approve the comment. Anyone know how to change that? Irritating...

Ummm..never mind, I think I figured it out. Guess I should try to solve my problems myself before I ask for help.
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Part Time Work

Alright, I know I shouldn't complain because at least I don't have to be away from my kiddoes all day every day, but there's still that selfish side of me that wishes I could be one of those lucky SAHMs!! For those of you out there that are, thank the good Lord above. You're lucky. One of the most painful parts of my week is when I have to kiss my little ones goodbye and see their teary faces as I walk out the door. Can you say ouch?!?! The worst is the days I work a full day (I have two full days, one half day) and I have to leave before I even get to say goodbye. On those days, my mother (who watches my kids when I work) gets treated to an almost harassing amount of phone calls from me as I try to recount every single moment of their day vicariously via the phone. Not like there's anything I can do for them from twenty miles away when I can hear ear splitting screaming in the background, or when Care Bear refuses to take her "butt medicine" (for her recent bout with a bladder infection).

Then there is the wonderful return home from a long day where all I have done is sit at my desk daydreaming of being with them and seeing their happy faces and squeals of joy as I greet them at the door; but instead, I am treated to wails and temper fits and overtired kids who are apparently punishing me for daring to leave them for an entire day. If only they knew how much I would rather be with them.

At any rate, here I sit, at my work computer, having only arrived here 45 minutes ago and the first thing I do is not work, but blog. And since my co-worker is currently harassing me to get some work done instead of play, I suppose I should.

Here's to all the moms out there whether you work full time, or part time or are a lucky one who gets to stay at home!!

Oh, and by the way, here's a shout out to my cousin for mentioning me in her blog

Could it get any Colder?

Yes, I realize it looks much like a post I posted in July, but here I am 6 months later and I feel like I am on opposite sides of the globe from where I was then. Looking out my window, I could be convinced that I live in Antarctica. Ice on the roads, blizzard like conditions; coats, hats and gloves don't even deter from the wind whipping through me and making me feel like a human blizzard. I would much prefer to be at home right now like I was yesterday; sitting by my fire, drinking my coffee with french vanilla creamer, (the girls with their hot chocolate), and making chocolate/caramel chip cookies with them. But that doesn't pay the bills now, does it?

Yesterday was so fun; it felt like a snow day from school like when I was a kid. Cooped up in my nice warm house with my little girls. We had a great time making cookies. The girls perched on the counter and helped with every step of the way; putting in the ingredients, helping mix the ingredients, and then balling the cookies up to put on the tray. They were in seventh heaven. Care Bear kept telling me, "Mommy, thank you so much for letting us help you make cookies." That continuous comment from her erased any frustration or nervousness I was beginning to feel from the large mess accumulating on my kitchen counters, and the cookie dough making its way into hair and onto clothing. After all, they'll only want to make cookies with me for a little while, so I might as well enjoy it while I can, right?

While the snow continues to fall, and the temps continue to drop I am mentally preparing myself for Care Bear's first art show and chili supper tonight at her pre-school. I'm doing the "school mom" thing and making chili for it, leaving work early to get it prepared. My little girl's first art show. Can't wait.

Here's to a great day, wherever you are, whether you have sun, rain, snow, wind or hail. Enjoy it!

It's 2006 already?!

and I haven't posted here in months. I'm not sure why, except that it seems the only visitors I get to my blog are spammers, so why bother? Oh, well. I'll do it for fun and therapy I guess.

Life in my house continues to be fun, chaotic, crazy, sometimes stressful, but always full of love. I forget what life was like before becoming a mother. When I do look back on that time (during my adult years before I was a mother) I realize how empty and self-centered life was. While sometimes it can be scary and stressful to have three little ones completely dependant on me, it's also very fulfilling.

Yoda is now in 2nd grade. He enjoys science the most. His current loves are Star Wars, Pokemon and Yugi-Oh. The first one I don't mind, the second two I could easily do without. HE loves to have light saber fights with his friends and his Dad. He currently owns about 7 light sabers (not purchased my be, mind you....I think I've been wacked in the head with those more times than I can count!)

Care Bear started pre-school in January. *sigh* She can't be in pre-school! She was just born! Anthony was just her age. How is it possible. She thoroughly loves My Little Ponies, Care Bears, Little People (she calls them "Things that go guys"--long story), stuffed animals and any other toy that she can easily fit in the palm of her hand. She's a real fiesty girl.

Fiesty is already 21 months. Older than Care Bear was when she was born. No, I'm not pregnant again and do not plan to be anytime in the near future. I think I've got more than I can handle right now. She loves to do whatever her big sister and brother are doing. She thinks she's a lot bigger than she is. Example: at McDonald's play place the other day, a larger child brushed past her real quick and almost knocked her over. Fiesty's response? "MEANIE!" finger pointing, brow furrowed, and proceeded to run after him to his table and stare him down. I think I've got a girl who knows how to defend herself! LOL!