Doing Better

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement when I was having my little "melt down". Not to minimize it....I was in a bad place at that time. Your comments made me feel not so alone.

Funny thing though....not too long after I wrote that post, somehow I just felt.....better. Not sure exactly what happened, but I quit worrying about things so much. A lot of the issues I was having at the time I published that post had more to do with former in-law issues than kid issues. I was expending a large amount of time trying to figure out where I fit in within this new and strange picture. Most of the time when couples divorce, the ex-husband and his family continue on, and the ex-wife and her family continue on. In my case, I continue on with both sides, but don't feel like I fit in so much with them anymore. But my children are still blood related to them. So I have felt a little awkward at times. I have some current issues with my former MIL that are still on-going, and I am not going to get into them. But somehow, I quit worrying about that, too. I just decided one day, "I don't know what these people think about me; I don't know how they feel about me, and quite honestly, I really don't care anymore. Like it or not, they will remain a part of my life because of my children and I might as well make the best of it." So I have. And since I made that decision, life has become significantly less stressful.

Don't get me wrong; I still have the on-going daily stress of raising four little girls on my own and a four year old who is still dealing with some major issues, but those issues are getting taken care of as well, and all I can do is leave her in God's hands and trust Him to take care of what I can't for her.

In summary: for now, I feel better. Still stressed, but much more relaxed about it, if that makes any sense. Not to say that I will never again have another melt down. Pretty much par for the course for someone in my current situation. But it sure does help to know that there are people out there that love me and are praying for me; even those that I have never met before. So thank you.

And now, for some adorable pictures from our very relaxing, enjoyable Thanksgiving.....

Care Bear's braids courtesy of Aunt Sema

Feisty's braids courtesy of Aunt Sema

Katie playing with Grandpa P's mustache

Care Bear's fancy letter to Santa. Yeah, I know....her real name. No mistake.

Quite honestly, I didn't feel like taking the time to block it out. I trust you all.

I can trust you all, right?!?!?!

Oh, and incidentally, since you now know the other 3 girls' names, it hardly seems fair to leave Feisty out. Her real name: Olivia, but she insists on being called "Livi". So, there you go. But just for the record, should I ever go public again, they will resume as Care Bear and Feisty. Those names are still extremely fitting.

Wow. Tell ya what. If I had only two words to choose from out of the English language to describe how I have felt the past two weeks, here they are: Beaten.Down. Isn't that just a fantastic, upbeat way to start a post?! Serious, though folks. I have spent the past two weeks in fields with the groundhogs looking for one that is roughly the same size and weight as me so I could follow him to his hole and go underground with him. For an indefinite period of time. But whoa is me....no such groundhog exists! Who knew?!

Unfortunately, when you are a single mother of four young children, such luxuries as burying yourself underground are not practical. A short reprieve here or there, maybe.....as long as you have a compassionate, understanding and caring mother such as I do. But it doesn't last forever. And I don't want it to last forever. Because I love my kids; I need my kids; and they need me. But wowza....it's been rough.

I posted this song awhile back (a long while back) when I was dealing with other difficulties, but as I was driving home today after picking up Feisty at school and had received yet another emotional beating, this song came on my favorite Christian radio station and it is so much more apropos to my life now than it even was then. Not because I'm dealing with an emotionally abusive situation, but just because. It is perfect and I plan to keep this song in the back of my head at all times, if possible.

My girls are worth it and the reason I wake up every morning. Thank God for them!

If you were too busy reading my post to listen to the words of the song, refresh and listen again to the words. It's a great song.

Hurray for Poop, Pee, and Sweet Dreams Juice!!

We're throwing a little party in here today!! Hurray for poop and pee in the potty!! Miss Feisty, as you know, has had her share....more than her share.....of health difficulties over the past year and a half. Twelve (12) UTIs to be exact. Doctor after doctor....ER visit after ER visit....more well meaning words of advice and tips than you can imagine.....so many antiobiotics that I would be surprised if she hasn't become completely immune. X-rays, invasive and uncomfortable tests, "pokies" (Feisty's word for shots and IVs) and two hospital stays.

Last month, when she was infected with her 10th UTI, she was finally able to see her primary care physician. We belong to one of those pediatric clinics that employ at least a dozen doctors, and unless you have an appointment booked way in advance, you better pray your lucky stars that you actually get to see the one you want. Well, it never happened that way. Every time (almost) she saw a different doc and we had to re-invent the wheel. Finally, last month, she got to see her doc. And thank the Lord for him. Stuff started to get done for her and she was referred to a pediatric urologist in Denver. She had that appointment yesterday. Unfortunately, for her, she had to endure yet another renal ultra sound and a horrible VCUG (uncomfortable and invasive for an adult.....much less a teeny four year old girl). The good news? No kidney damage, no urinary tract damage. Just a simple case of a vicious cycle of constipation, fear of potty, constipation blocking her bladder, fear again, more constipation causing the UTIs and on and on and on. The doctor yesterday gave us wonderful tips, advice, words of wisdom and (drum roll please....) a medicine that will prevent her from getting UTIs. Huh. What a concept. I believe I recall requesting this medication for her over a year ago after UTI number 3 or 4. I feel optimistic for the first time since this battle began. I feel hopeful and I feel in control of the situation. When you don't know what you're dealing with or what steps to take to make it better, its rather hard to feel in control; thus leaving the control in the hands of a very stubborn, willful and feisty four year old!!

My little girl is back. Her smile, her laugh, the spring in her step, her squeals of joy and the sparkle in her beautiful eyes. It is wonderful to see her be four again and not riddled with the misery of UTIs and constipation. She pooped twice in the potty today! Hallelujah! She did have a couple of accidents, but in her defense, she wasn't near a potty and given the fact that her doctor doubled her dose of Miralax, she's had some umm...diarrhea. But she is trying, which is more than I could've said a week ago! Thanks for all of your prayers and thoughts for my little darling girl. Don't stop now, though. This isn't a quick fix. She has to re-establish good habits and abandon bad habits that have taken her a long time to learn. She now has to un-learn them. And we have until next August when she goes to Kindergarten. (Lord willing, it will happen before January when she wants to enroll in a new pre-school that doesn't put up with un-potty-trained kids).

Another battle that we have dealt with for a long time is bedtime. For both of my girls. (The big ones that is). When I was a young, naive Mom, I had this goofy and ridiculous desire to cuddle my babies until they fell asleep and then place their sleepy little bodies in their beds. What I didn't realize at that time, was that meant that they would then expect that from me when they were 1, 2, 3, 4.....and beyond. Little did I know that my enjoyment of cuddling my babies to sleep was going to wreak havoc on future bedtime. I just recently (we're talking 5 months ago, maybe) got my children to actually learn to go to bed....in their own beds.....without me cuddling them until they go to sleep. Talk about a wonderful release of stress for me. I dreaded bedtime every day of my life.

It was going well until about two weeks ago when all of a sudden Feisty decided to revert back and decide she didn't like sleeping in her own bed. Inevitably every night, five minutes after she was in bed, I would hear, "Mommy?!" Dread filled me everytime I heard that because I knew what was coming next. "I'm scared. I want to sleep in your bed tonight." Besides the fact that I did not want to re-introduce that bad habit, I do all my school work in my room. Which requires light. And my computer. Several nights in a row, I had to forego doing my school work because my little girl was crashed out in my bed. Simply telling her that there was nothing to be scared of and that mommy is in the next room did nothing for her. Didn't matter.

One night, about a week ago, when I felt that this new problem( rather old problem re-visited) was here to stay, I had a stroke of genius as I walked up the stairs to, once again, beg my daughter to stay in her own bed. For mommy's sake, please!! She wanted some apple juice to drink. I got her some juice, and when I got into her room, I informed her very confidently that the juice I was presenting her with was "sweet dream juice". "This juice, if you drink it all" (which was also laced with her required stool softener), I told her, "will give you only sweet dreams. Keep it by you all night and if you get scared, take a drink." I got a huge smile from her. VICTORY!! It worked. Wow. An idea all my own. Not one given to me by another parent, my mother, a parenting book or a (former) sister-in-law across the street. An idea all my own. She drank it all down (which accomplished two goals; sleep and poop), and as I walked out of the room, she informed me, "Mommy! Now I'm dreaming about flowers!" I could barely contain my gleeful laugh! Woo-hoo!

It is now imperative that I have on stock at all times "sweet dream juice" (i.e. Tree Top Apple Juice.....Kroger brand will suffice). One night I ran out. I panicked slightly, and informed her that we ran out of sweet dream juice, so tonight, sweet dream milk would have to do. And it did. And it has worked every night since.

Rock ON!!

And oh yeah....the twins? They are ten months old today. Their birthday is in two months!! What?! Wasn't it just a week or two ago that I was sitting in the hospital on bed rest?! Almost a year. And what a year it has been! They are 14.5 and 13 lbs respectively. Both have their bottom two teeth, Kate is cutting her top two, and both are thisclose to crawling. Time to dig out the baby gates! I almost have toddler twins! UFF DA!!

My Little Skit----Enjoy!!

Judge: "Divorce anyone?!?!"

Me: "Yes, sir. I'll take one, please."

Judge: "Take a number....you are next in line."

Me: "Thank you, oh kind sir...."

Judge: "Mrs....oh, excuse me....MISS Kristen.....one divorce coming up. Your order will be up tomorrow. Just be here on time. Oh....and with your babies' social security numbers, please."

Me: "You can count on me, sir. Oh, and if you could, please, kind sir. With my order, could you please super-size it and add in a kind, sweet, chivalrous, HARD-WORKING, loving husband, who loves my children somewhere down the road? I'm willing to pay extra."

Judge: "I can't help you there, ma'am. But if you make your request known to my boss, (his name is God....the big judge), he will take it into consideration, I am sure."

Me: " I will, sir. Thank you. But for now, thanks for my 'order'. Although it did take a little longer than I had hoped it would. Five months. Could've been worse, though. Thanks!"

Judge: "You're welcome. You're a free woman now. Go forth and do good things."

Me: "Count on it. Maybe one of these days in the near future, I will be working with you. I plan to make good things happen for me and my kids."

Judge: "I know you will. "Enjoy" your divorce."

Me: "No question about it. See ya!"

If this makes absolutely no sense to you whatsoever.....email me or my mom.....we'd be happy to explain!!

Over You by Daughtry (adapted to fit my situation)

Now that it’s all said and done

I can’t believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down

Like an old abandoned house

What you said when I left

Just left me cold and out of breath

I fell too far, was in way too deep

Guess I let you get the best of me

(Chorus) Well I never saw it coming

I should have started running

A long, long time ago!

And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over I’m finally gettin’ better

Now I’m picking up the pieces

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you!!! (End Chorus)

You took a hammer to these walls

Dragged the memories down the hall

I Packed my bags and walked away

There was nothing you could say,

And when I slammed the front door shut

A lot of other’s opened up

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me

(Chorus) Well I never saw it coming I should have started running

A long, long time ago!

And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over

I’m finally getting’ better

Now I’m picking up the pieces

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you!!!

Do I Have Any Teeth Left?!?!

You can't see it right now but I am opening my mouth really wide in an effort to send out cyber signals so you can tell me if I have any teeth left. I don't think I do because I have gritted them down to the gums in the past few days or so. And I think I've worked jaw muscles I didn't even know I had from clenching it so much.

In a word (or three....) I am stressed. I told my mom today that a certain person in my life would call my stress "karma" for what I have put him through in the past few months (albeit greatly deserved).

Gone are the fantasy filled days of the summer; lounging in the pool, doing whatever I wanted with the girls, and thoroughly enjoying the freedom I had so longed for for so long. Gone are the pretty nails that I loved so much (even though it was impossible to do anything with them like, say, button a 4 year olds' shirt....besides, who can afford to keep 'em up anyway). It is now rare that I wear make-up (who has the time) or make my hair pretty (again....the time issue). But my very kind mother told me the other day (on a particularly gross feeling day) that even on my worst days now, I look better than I did a few months ago on my best day. MAN, I must have really looked like poop in the "old days". Little did I know..... And get this.....I have gained almost 10 lbs in the past 5 months. For most people, that would be a crisis. For this former skin n' bones? Not so much a bad thing. I can now wear my jeans and only put the belt on the 3rd hole instead of the 4th! That's an accomplishment people! (And my low weight?? Nothing to do with another situation I battled years ago......these days, I love to eat. A little thing called stress made it impossible. Some people over eat under stress....I can't eat under stress.) I knew the "romance" of it wouldn't last forever. Or maybe I didn't know it. Maybe I thought my life was going to be a bed of roses from here on out. WRONG! Take it from me; if you are ever in a position like mine (which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, just so y'know...), don't get too cocky or excited when things take the appearance of going your way. Cuz inevitably one, or two, or maybe three (for good measure) shoes will start to drop....from everywhere.

"Why such a negative attitude tonight, Kristen", you may ask. Hmph. Because I have had the day (or two or three.....for good measure) from H....E.....double hockey sticks. (That's hell, just in case you missed it.)

Feisty is once again (if she ever wasn't) suffering from UTIs. Her pediatrician (who she was rarely able to see throughout her struggles over the past year and a half) finally referred us to a pediatric urologist and offered me multiple suggestions on how to conquer the constipation/potty training/UTI problem(s). The bad part for Feisty??? Since no one else up until this point has bothered to offer these suggestions, my poor little four year old girl (who has been to the doctor more than any four year old should ever have to) has to once again endure uncomfortable and not fun tests that she just took a year ago which came back negative to any genetic problems causing these problems. This could have all been avoided had these little nuggets of advice had been given to me long ago. Or maybe not. I have also been referred to a psychologist for her for other possible reasons for her problems that I can not even begin to fathom and which I will not go into in this forum. If you are a praying person, please pray for my precious little girl.....

I am on multiple benefits from the government right now. Yes, I will put it out there.....I am POOR. Dirt POOR. So I am (supposed to be) getting certain benefits that are crucial in keeping my family alive. (Just a minor thing....). I know the feelings that surround people who are on welfare. But believe me, I am not one of those people who just keeps poppin' out kids and refuses to get a job just so I can continue to live off the government. (Don't let those four little gems of mine fool you......I am DONE. No more kid poppin' for me!) The problem??? The #$%@@ government apparently doesn't know how to do their job and are under the hugely mistaken impression that I am enjoying receiving their benefits and are in no huge hurry to make sure I get those. Cuz you know....I really love being poor and I really have a suga daddy out there that is supporting me and I am just mooching off the government for no real reason. Anyhooooo.....I was supposed to receive some of those benefits three days ago. They haven't shown up yet. I inquired today as to why. "Oh", says the highly helpful clerk at the office. "It looks like you haven't turned in something that you were supposed to." Right now, let me give you a visual. Have you ever seen a cartoon in which a character in the cartoon gets so mad that the top of their head literally comes off and it looks like a volcano is erupting from it? Well, if I were a cartoon, that would've been me today. But I maintained. Barely. "I turned those documents in almost a month ago.....by the deadline." Upon more searching, the highly helpful clerk discovered that, "Oops....our bad....the office in the town up north just received your file yesterday. So, I can set up an appointment with a clerk for you or you can call the call center and see if they can get moving on your file ASAP." At that point in time, I had to quickly walk out of that office and use every amount of restraint I had to keep from running through the halls of that office and screaming what I really thought of them. But I didn't. Aren't you proud of me? I declined the appointment. Been there.....done that. And the call center??? Yeah. Three calls in the past week that have resulted in 30+ minute waits each time. I guess us poor people are just not important enough to be waited on or helped in an expedient manner. Dude....tell you what......when I become President....................................

Next....on to the Social Security Administration (which, in my $%($# town is only open one day a week) to find out what is going on with the social security cards for me and the girls (which were stolen quite some time ago which I ordered quite some time ago). I walk in, birth certificates in hand (which by the way cost $88 to get because a person who shall remain nameless decided to take the certificates with him when he/she/it moved out), ID in hand, only to be told that, "Oh, I'm sorry. But we need some form of ID for the kids, such as insurance cards (Medicaid doesn't suffice because it doesn't have their birth dates on them) or immunization records showing their birth dates on them. (Cue the head exploding volcano again.....). UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......what more official form if ID could you possibly need besides a birth certificate which not only proves their date of birth, but their time of birth and the parents' names?!?!?! Again, I somehow maintained my composure and somehow walked calmly out of that office. I don't know how I did it. Divine intervention.

All of this was going on this morning while I was supposed to be studying for a major exam for Mr. Professor, Lawyer Sir (see previous post) which is due Monday, which I am not going to get done because my lifeline (i.e. MY MOM) is going to be leaving Friday morning for 10 days, and I am lucky enough to get to attend a class all evening Friday and all day Saturday which will leave me no time for studying. Oh, and incidentally.....that albatross of an assignment I told you about?!?! I got a B!!!!! The man not only took away any form of life I have (and continues to do so) but he had the absolute audacity to give me a B and tarnish my (thus far) straight A record.

WOW! That felt realllllll good!! Oh, and I almost forgot one itty bitty little thing. The person(s) who convinced me to make a major life change recently and promised to support me in that major life change are suddenly having a change of heart. Cool, huh? Not a smart move when you're dealing with someone studying law. This situation screams "breach of contract" all over it!!! Watch out! I am in a mood!!!!!

Now, I think I will go brush my (almost non-existent) teeth and go to bed. Mr. Lawyer Professor Sirs test will just have to wait until tomorrow. I've spent too much time with him today!! Maybe next time you hear from me I will be the happy, perky Kristen once again. Ha.

The Buzz This Week

So, I thought once I was back at work it'd be much easier to keep up on this thing. But it turns out that since I'm back only part time now, and my hours coincide with covering everyone's lunches, I don't have as much "play time" as I used to when I was here 8 hours a day. Which also means I don't have as much time to go and visit you all; cuz it could literally take my entire four hour shift to visit everyone in my bloglines. So, I read when I can and post when I can; which unfortunately for me.....is not very often.

But here's the buzz around my parts as of late:

CARE BEAR:

Still obsessed with NKOTB. I have created a monster! She must watch my old, ancient NKOTB video at least once a day....often times many more than that. It is typically the show she chooses to watch before she goes to bed. And she insists that I watch it with her. Now, in my day, I probably watched it at least 1/2 dozen times a day. I can't even believe it's still functioning. And while it was fun and reminiscient to watch it once....maybe twice.....I must say that I'm getting a little weary of it now. I'm just about ready to hide it.

I purchased Care Bear the NKOTB Greatest Hits album--at least she now has something to listen to in the car. But not just in the car---no, that's not good enough. We have to listen to it in the house as well as we watch her dance and sing to it under her "celebrity moniker"---Mikayla. Yes, she has given herself an assumed name. She has strict rules (i.e. no laughing, no smiling, no getting up, and no talking during her shows.) She's a cross between a diva in the making and a grouchy old school teacher. After her "shows", she allows us to stand in line for autographs from "Mikayla." Sooo.....do you all think American Idol will still be around in the year 2018 when Care Bear will be 16??

She wrote notes for the "boys" the other day. Loooooove notes. Yikes. I'm getting scared.

Another Care Bear tidbit: Here is a little conversation she had with my mom the other day while I was at work (this is copied and pasted from an e-mail my mom sent me):

She is typing away on a calculator telling me she's doing
CSAPs. I ask her if she has to do CSAPs at school. She says, no, but they have
to be quiet when the other kids are taking them. Then she tells me Anakin said
he'd be annoyed at her if she
was noisy while he was taking them. Then she
told me she didn't need to take them because she's already smart, and CSAPs make
you smart. Then - she says,"Grandma, what are CSAPs?

Feisty News:

Feisty is still trying to learn to go potty. She's gotten to the point where she refuses to wear training pants anymore, yet every day soaks and/or soils her underwear and pants. She's getting there, but hasn't quite got it. She's even gotten to where she doesn't want to wear training pants at night. I have had to gently force this issue because I have no desire in the middle of the night to bathe my (almost) four year old and change sheets because she has soaked and/or soiled her jammies and bed. I applaud her desire and her willingness to go from training pants to underwear; but not at night; not until she has got it. So we've compromised. She wears underwear over her training pants at night.

This morning I'm at work when I receive a wonderful "letter" and picture from Feisty:

vvbbcbvvbvvvnvbvbvnfvfhhjfhhfffffffffffffvhvhgfghfghgtjhkgjjthhyhgjghh
ghjhrgrgkjkerkjjkgjhjjjhngnhhmnjjjvnnnvvnbnnnnbmn
nnbvvbnnvbvbfbgmgbmmmfbnfbgbffgbgnffiofytyiytygjjtjufhuuyuyjhruuiyt5
7hrhojthhtgggffjfgbdgdfgfggfgjdfjsdgjddjgdfhjgdjhgdgsjfdhghafhdafg
fdgghdfgfhfggggggghfgfjfhghfhgggfvvvffbvfvvfgfff
b gbfgbghbggbgbgtybddhdfbfgh
vsacvbnbnbnbjffhfgfbfbnvnbbffbhnvfhghgrhfhfghhfggfhbbgbnfknknbbnnbjhh

Roughly translated, this says something like, "Dear Mommy, I went poopy in the potty all by myself! I love you so much, etc, etc, etc...."

Now, I will show you a picture, but am warning you to scroll quickly past it or look away now if pictures that proud 4 year olds take of what they "produce" in the potty offend or disgust you. This is Feisty's proof to send to Mommy. She wanted to save it in the toilet til I got home, but Grandma convinced her to do this instead:

Yay, Feisty!! Mommy is soooo proud of you! We'll do the "happy dance" when I get home!

********************************

Feisty has very cute ways of putting things. For instance; she calls goose bumps "juice bumps", she says her heart is "beeping" instead of beating and today, when we were driving to meet Grandma at my office, she took of her sock and shoe and was thoroughly irritated. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "My toes are snoring". (Feisty speak for her foot is asleep). Everyone together now......"Aaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"!!

TWIN NEWS:

And last, but definitely not least.....some twin stuff.

Our church is blessed to have the best nursery attendant ever. Her name is Sandy and every child who ever has the pure luck to be in the nursery with her absolutely adores her. Feisty is beyond her nursery days now, but still considers Sandy her "best friend". Since my older girls have "graduated" and moved on to bigger and better things, Sandy is now thrilled to have two more of my offspring to coddle over. And coddle she does! Here are the chunky monkey twins (as opposed to teeny-tiny) modeling their new duds, courtesy of Sandy:

I.LOVE.THESE.SHIRTS!! They crack me up!!! Like these babies' butts could EVER look big! Welll.....maybe when the diapers are full their back ends might protude a little. But anyway....

Then, here they are modeling their custom made beautiful little fleece blankies given to me by a friend at church whose sister makes them. They even came in little custom made bags with their names on them!!

The little girlies are growing cuter by the day and their personalities have definitely started to make themselves known. Emma (aka "Little Squirt" aka "I can't sit still in my mama's belly") is actually the more mellow, "go with the flow" kinda gal. Much more content to lay on the floor or swing in her swing and look up at you with her piercing, beautiful blue eyes. Katie (aka "big squirt") is a fuss budget. A snorter. Her eyes may be piercing and beautiful as well, but more often than not, her face is screwed shut in a crying, screaming position, so it's hard to tell. OK, so it's not that bad, but she is much fussier than her twin. She has, however, treated me to some beautiful smiles lately and when she is content, loves to lay on the floor and kick to her hearts content.

Sleeping is still a crap shoot. Never know how it's going to go from one night to the next. So, as always, I am tired. Probably will be until I'm 50 years old....if I live that long!

Have a great weekend!

I'm Such A Liar!!

Said I'd be here yesterday and I lied! Well, didn't really lie....circumstances and complications were such that I didn't actually end up coming to work yesterday. Bureaucratic red tape concerning a doctor's note clearing me to come back to work. My departure from work was such a mess, why should my return be any neater??!!

So I had planned to do some great, return post.....not sure about what. I could write a novel about the past 3 months of my life, but I was going to try to do something interesting. But if I have learned nothing else lately, it is that plans are pointless. Especially when you have four kids ages 5 and under----two of which are completely dependant and NOISY and DEMANDING (albeit adorable.)

Anyway, since I made the grand announcement that I would be back, I thought I should at least come back and say "hello" and "I've missed you" and one of these days I'll try to really be back.

I know my Mom has been doing regular twin updates so you shouldn't be completely in the dark about what's been going on in my world lately. Just tell me one thing: Are those twin baby girls not the most adorable little things in the world?!!? (I may be a little biased, but come on!! )

I write this at work while I sit eating a Chipotle burrito (my favorite thing in the world to eat which I was denied my entire pregnancy because of what it did to my digestive system), and drinking coffee and diet Pepsi in a desperate attempt to keep myself awake (which I have found is much more difficult to do while staring at a computer rather than running around like some wild crazy lady at home).

I'm hoping one of these days soon life will feel "normal" and "controlled" again. But probably not. In the meantime, I hope there are some people who still check on me now and then. I promise I will try to be here on a more regular basis from here on out. (Providing I have no more 3 month absences from the outside world!)

It's good to be back in the land of the living--so to speak!!

*sigh*

Well, I’m feeling a little lonely, a little sad, a little isolated, a little abandoned…..

Mike is a couple hundred miles away at work….

My Dad is on a camping trip for the week…..

My Mom (accompanied by my aunt, grandma and grandpa all who live within a couple of miles of me) is on her trip full of reunions to Minnesota (among those “reunions”, she is going to meet Diane….who I introduced her to…. what is up with that?!)

Even Anakin isn’t around this week….he’s with his Mom.

So, it’s myself, Care Bear and Feisty rattling around all alone in our house. The blondies haven’t even been around. I feel like I live in a ghost town. The only one in the entire world who isn’t on some kind of adventure this week. My only consolation is that, because of all of these vacationers, I get to stay home with my girls half the day because Grandma isn’t around to take care of them. After doing that all week, I’m never going to feel like going back to my full day schedule next week.

*sigh*

Oh, well.

Normal? What is NORMAL?!

nor·mal /ˈnɔrməl/
–adjective
1.
conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2.
serving to establish a standard.

That word definitely does not describe my life. In fact, I am willing to bet if you look up its antonym, “abnormal”, you would find my picture next to the definition.

The last time I can remember my life feeling somewhat “normal” was about six or seven months ago. At that time, hubs still had the 8-9 hour a day job. I was working my 2.5 days a week, had 2.5 days a week off. I had my desk at work that I had sat at for a good 6-7 years. Life was comfortable. It’s amazing to me how quickly things can change and when they do change how much you can long for what was once considered “hum-drum”.

The first of many, many changes that began the spiral into my abnormal life was when I switched my hours at work from 2.5 days a week to 5 half-days a week. Funny how I think back now at how dramatic a change that seemed to me. If only I knew then what I know now.
Hubs lost his job in April. Or was it March. I can’t even remember now.

We tried to live for awhile on my part-time salary and his unemployment checks but as time went on and the hunt for jobs was proving less than fruitful, the opportunity came along for me to take a full-time position in my office. It seemed at that time that there was no other choice. So I took the plunge and went full time after being priveledged enough to work part-time for almost 5 years. At first it didn’t bother me a whole lot. Hubs was still home in the mornings to be with the kids and my mom could still take them in the afternoon so that he could continue his job search. While life at that point had definitely changed significantly, I still wasn’t quite feeling the effects of having an “abnormal” life.

Then it happened. Like a bolt of lightning. All of a sudden, hubs was offered a job working for a road re-paving company. The company is based out of Kansas and they travel all over the mid-west doing road construction. The up-side? Potential to make very good money. The down-side? Hubs has to travel. A lot. Conveniently, the first job he had was located right in our town. The first two weeks of the job, he just had to drive down the road a couple of miles and he was there.

He was offered the job on a Thursday morning, and his first day was the following Monday. All of a sudden I was faced with the very daunting task of trying to get someone to watch my kids in the morning for the remainder of the summer. I won’t go into all of the details of that because I did so in the post right before this one. What I have found for now is OK, but like I said more expensive than I would prefer and further south than I wanted to have to take them. But you do what you have to do.

Hubs finished up his job here in town last week. The next assignment was to start this past weekend in a mountain ski resort town about 2.5 hours south west of where we live. He and his co-workers are each given a per-diem each week in addition to their salary for accomodations and food when they are away from their homes. Nice perk, however if you know anything about ski resort towns, the amount of per-diem they are given per week would cover maybe 1.5 nights in a hotel up there. Most of them camp out in RVs. Hubs doesn’t have an RV. We don’t even know where our tent is. Luckily, one of his nice co-workers offered to lend him his 8 man tent and an air mattress to stay in while they are working up there. Length of this job? Three to four weeks. Hubs is camping for a month in the mountains. I can’t deny that there is a little part of me that is very jealous about this. The plan is for him to come back home on Friday nights when he gets down working and go back on Sunday afternoons.

He was to leave this past Saturday for ski resort town. His truck was having some issues (again) so he went to go get a new battery for it that morning, which he thought was going to fix the problem. It didn’t. I ended up driving him up there on Saturday afternoon and coming back all on the same day. My poor Mom had to watch the kids that day because, I’m sorry, three kids in my tiny car for six hours?! Hardly. And FIL, of course, was busy.

So, he’s up there. FIL figured out what was wrong in the truck, fixed it for us, and my plan is to go up there Friday night, camp out with him that night and bring him back on Saturday to do laundry, sleep in a real bed, see his kids, then he’ll drive back in his truck (that will hopefully make it) on Sunday afternoon. While he’s gone, I’m basically a single mom. To my girls. Anakin? I don’t know where he is. He left Saturday afternoon with his mom for his regular visit and I haven’t seen him since. His mom moved. I don’t know where she lives; her cell phone isn’t connected anymore and I have no way of contacting her to find out what is going on with Anakin. My guess is, she thinks if Anakin’s dad is not around, then he doesn’t need to be staying with his step-mom. But it would sure be nice to know where he is. Common courtesy, you know. (A foreign concept to her).

Feisty is doing better. (For information on what’s been going on with Feisty, my mom has chronicled her week on her blog. I have had neither the time or energy to do so myself, so thanks to Mom for sending out the word about Feisty and thanks for all of the prayers that have gone out for her.) She seems to be her old “feisty” self again, however her ordeal is not over yet. Her doctor wants her to go to Children’s Hospital in Denver for two tests: a VCUG and a Renal Ultra Sound. This is to determine what could possibly be causing her UTIs and to rule out VESICOURETERAL REFLUX. I talked to the nurse that works with her doctor for quite awhile today and don’t feel quite as panicked as I did when I first heard the words “Children’s Hospital” and “tests”. I just want my baby to be better. They told me that if she has the slightest fever again to bring her in right away. I’ve obsessively been touching her head and face every 20 minutes all weekend. Last night I could have sworn she had one and was trying to picture myself dragging her, Care Bear and myself to the emergency room in the middle of the night since hubs is not around to help. What a nightmare that would be.

Continue to pray for Feisty. She’s not totally in the clear yet. I just have to say that am I ever glad I was a “miracle maker” that donated $15 every month for two years to our Children’s Hospital. Those children’s stories always break my heart and I always told myself that if I were one of those people that had to use Children’s hospital, I would hope someone would want to help me out. Who knew. Never, ever take your child’s health for granted. I never will again.
Normal. Definitely not my life. I do have to say that it is never boring. Sometimes I wish it were.
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High/wierd points of the week?

1. An old neighborhood “friend” of mine whom I haven’t seen in probably 20 years showed up at my mom’s door on Sunday afternoon while we were eating lunch. She was “in the neighborhood” and when my mom opened the door this girl (Amy) said, “You still live here!!” My mom didn’t recognize her. I immediately knew who it was. My friend/enemy of 6 years during elementary school days. I credit her for a large portion of my problems that eventually led me to Remuda Ranch. And I had just been thinking about her a few days before. I just chatted with her and heard a little bit about her life. I decided not to dredge up stuff from 20 years back….why make her feel like crap when she made the effort to come look me up after all that time?! I don’t think she has any clue what she did to me in those days. WIERD.

2. I just have two words: HARRY POTTER. Five days. Via Amazon. Can’t Wait. I’m softening up my Harry Potter chair as we speak. I hope the Blondies are around this weekend cuz I’ll need to be left alone, I say!

Full Circle

Twenty-nine years ago next month, my family moved into a nice, little neighborhood that was just being developed. All of the houses were brand new and ours was the first one on the block to be finished. My mom recently did a Wordless Wednesday post showing the change in landscaping from the first summer there and this summer. I took the liberty of “stealing” the pictures from her blog for the purpose of this post:

Here is the backyard in 1978

Here is the backyard in 2007I was 3.5 years old when we moved into this neighborhood. As time went by, more and more houses were built up and more and more kids occupied the neighborhood. The summers were filled with tee-ball games, bike-riding, roller skating, and begging our parents to “please, please let us stay out a little longer”.

I lived in that house and that neighborhood until I was 22 years old (with the exception of going away to college for a year and a half and a 4 month stay in Arizona). In 1997, I moved out of my parents home for good and into an apartment in near-by college town with a girl my age. That same week, I started my brand new job, which I still have to this day.
After several more apartments and disastrous roommate situations, I eventually met and married my husband. We moved into a condominium for two years right about the time Care Bear was being born. We loved that place and we loved living in college town, but by the time Feisty was about to come around and our lease was about to run out, we decided we needed more than a two bed-room condo for us and our three kids. We began to shop around.
Three years ago, this week, we moved into the home we currently live in. On the same street that my family moved into 29 years ago. My kids run on the same sidewalks I run on, play in the same park I played in, and spend significant amounts of time in the house I grew up in.
The neighbors two doors down from my parents’ home moved in just a few weeks after we did 29 years ago. Their kids were playmates of me and my brother. They still live there… with their grown son, his wife, and their young son who is Feisty’s age. My children and his child now run the streets together and when I watch them playing I feel like I’m stepping back in time about 29 years.

This year marked the ten year anniversary for my job. When I first started here all of the people who have the same type of position I do were in several cubicles in an area right off of the reception area. The director of my office was located in the office I sit in now, her assistant was across the hall, and the mail center was downstairs. Not long after I started, our office did a major transition and we all got moved all over the place.

I recently told you about another massive overhaul our office has gone through by splitting our office up into two different buildings. And because of that, we are all being moved……again. (for those who have read me regularly and for a long time realize that this makes about five moves for me in the past six months.) This time, however, I am not complaining because….since I am now full time, I get a WINDOW. Yes that’s right. A window. The ironic thing? We are moving back to the same area we were in when I started ten years ago. The director is moving back here to where she was. Her assistant is moving back to the office across the hall where she was before. The mail center is moving back downstairs. My question to the geniuses who do the planning for all these moves is……“why don’t we look at the big picture from the beginning if we’re all going to end up back where we were ten years ago?!”

All in one week I am moving full circle in my office and celebrating three years of moving full circle back to my old ‘hood. Life can be crazy like that. Or maybe it’s what you call a rut.

New Job Update....

I spoke to the "head honcho" in my area this morning while I was still at home. As it turns out, there are now technically two full time positions available in the office. Recently our office underwent a major overhaul by splitting into two different buildings on campus. The new building that a portion of our office is occupying is now known as the "Admissions Welcome Center". This is where tours and counseling, etc...take place. The remainder of the staff stayed where I am right now. Last week, our front desk person resigned her position. They decided to do a little "shifting" of duties. This summer, they were going to have students staffing the front desk over at the Welcome Center and send back over the counselor they stole from us who has been filling that spot for the last two months (leaving us over here seriously under-staffed). However, they have now decided (since our front desk person resigned) to have students staff the front desk over here and open a full time position over at the Welcome Center. That is the position that I was under the impression that I would be taking when I decided to go full-time. However, another person in our office (a fairly new counselor of only three months) expressed an interest in that position; which leaves her full time position over here open. (Are you following all of this??!!) It has been decided that she will go over there and I will get to keep my current position but in a full time capacity. Which is wonderful, in my opinion. I don't have to switch buildings, learn a new job, leave my co-worker/best friend whom I have worked with for ten years.....it's all coming together for the best.

Oh!! AND, AND.....my new work space is going to be about twice the size my current one is....and I get a (drumroll please....) WINDOW!!! Oh, yeah....I'm movin' on up. Next, I'm going to demand a promotion and raise....

And it's a done deal. My director came over this afternoon and made me sign a contract. There's no turning back now. My official full-time duties commence Monday May 14. Which gives me one more full week of half time to squeeze as much love, fun, kisses and hugs with my babies. And one more Bible Study. I won't get to go to my young mom's Bible Study anymore. *sigh*. You do what ya gotta do....

Oh, and by the way....the song I have currently playing here is "The Sweet Escape" by Gwen Stefani featuring Akon. I'm playing it in honor of my darling baby girls who squeal with delight whenever they hear it come on. They call it "the funny song" and dance around like maniacs when it's on. My Mom told me that when they were in Wal-Mart the other day, my girls saw it come on the TV in the music area of the store and Feisty looked up at the TV and said, "That's Gwen Stefani!" Cracked.Me.Up!!

Major Life Change Ahead!

Last week my supervisor offered me a full time position in my office that just became available. I have been obsessed over the past week of nothing more than the decision that I had to make as to whether or not I should take the job. There are serious pros and cons to taking the job, but the pros won and I have accepted the job. I am not sure when it starts; I believe mid-week next week.

I am heartbroken over the fact that I will not be able to be with my girls as much anymore; but I am thankful for the four years that I have had the opportunity to work part time and be with them. Care Bear starts kindergarten next year; Feisty will hopefully be going to pre-school, so I'm trying to make myself feel better by knowing that they will be doing other things other than missing mommy while I am at work. And they will still have grandma in the afternoon.

Please pray for me as I start this new chapter in my life; that I will have peace with my decision; that my children won't resent me from being away from them more than I ever have been and that I will adjust well to working 40 hours a week again. It'll be a difficult adjustment, but one that is necessary for me and my family right now.

Thanks!

Thankfulness

Wednesday nights results show on American Idol (the Idol Gives Back show) really affected me. I was in tears on more than one occasion watching the heartbreaking videos, seeing the heartbreaking pictures and hearing the heartbreaking stories; of not only the horrible conditions in Africa, but those that exist even in our own country. Living where I live, and living in this country, it seems un-fathomable that here in the good ole U.S. of A, people are suffering the way they are. I thought a lot about the troubles I have faced recently and in the wake of watching that show, they seem so miniscule by comparison. I thought about all I really do have to be grateful for:

Things I am Grateful For This Week

1. A husband who this week has:

--Mopped the floors
--Done multiple loads of dishes
--Done multiple loads of laundry
--Taken out multiple loads of trash
--Mowed the lawn
--Taken the kids to the park
--Gotten up before 8:00 every day whether or not he's ready to get up.
--Taken Anakin to school so I don't have to drag the girls out to do it.
--Let me take a nap yesterday afternoon when I had the afternoon off and he entertained Feisty.
--Not complained while I have spent endless amounts of time with my rear end parked in a chair reading Harry Potter.

2. My children who are healthy and who I can almost certainly count on waking up with their happy voices to tell me they love me in the morning.

3. A job that I have had for ten years and that I feel safe and secure in.

4. My health.

5. The fact that 3/4 of my grandparents are still alive and well.

6. Doctors and hospitals who are available to help us when we do fall ill and the ability to get medication easily to help us get better.

7. My education, and the education of my children.

8. A system that (albeit very slow sometimes) is available even when financial difficulty does arise, and is able to assist with medical bills and other things.

9. My parents.

10. My home.

11. My neighborhood.

12. Freedom of speech and religion.

And much, much more. And I just need to remind myself of these things when life gets hard. Ironically, this is what our pastor preached about last Sunday at church. Very apropos.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.

I really have nothing much good to talk about these days. Except of course, my kids, but people probably get tired of hearing about them all the live long days. So, I'm just going to take a break for now until something happens that's worth writing about. I'm not quitting; just waiting for something good to happen. Sorry I haven't been around much visiting blogs and commenting on everyone. Just haven't had much time, energy or desire lately.