An Olive Branch.....

It's been awhile. I have been out of the loop as far as the computer is concerned. I now finally have one and hopefully will be able to post more frequently. Except for the fact that I am managing to keep myself pretty busy right now. I start school on Monday. Going back to school....studying law.....mom always told me I'd be a good lawyer because I argue so well, so here goes. I'm excited, anxious, nervous, and ready to go.

Life is good right now. But I have a bit of business to attend to first and foremost, so this post is directed to one person in particular. I don't even know if this person will see this post, but even if they don't, I will feel better by posting this. So bear with me while I direct this post to one person:

To You Friend and Loved One.....

It's been awhile since we have spoken. It's been a tough year and a half or so. I apologize sincerely for my part in what happened between us. I know that you only had my best interests at heart and anything and everything that was done was only as a result for your love and concern for me. I blew it out of proportion and I apologize. At the time that our issue arrived, I knew what I had to do, but was still holding out hope for things working out. I was disillusioned and blind.

I firmly believe more than ever before that everything happens when it is supposed to and in God's time. Apparently a year and a half ago, I wasn't quite ready to be where I am now. Because now, without a shadow of a doubt, I am strong. I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing, and the pieces of the puzzle are coming together and creating a beautiful masterpiece. And I am so excited. But I involved you in my situation last year, and you tried to help. And when I backed out on what I was going to do at that time, I ended up hurting you as a result. I apologize with my whole heart and I hope you can find it within yours to forgive me. I miss you.....I love you.....and I want our relationship to be healed. I don't expect a quick fix. But I would like to begin to mend our relationship. And our friendship.

If that is something you are willing to do, there are people that you know who know how you can get in contact with me. If not, I understand. But regardless, it was important to me that you know how I feel. I hope life has been treating you well!

Much Love......

Have you ever woken up one day and had an overwhelming sense of clarity regarding a situation you were in? Well I have. And it happened to me 2 months and 6 days ago. I woke up that morning and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could no longer be in the situation I was in any longer and I had to do something about it. There was no question, no hesitation. Just a matter of fact. It had to be done. My situation had been declining rapidly over the course of the past 15 or 16 months. I knew this whole time, as things continually got worse, that eventually I would have to do something about this. But I didn't know how. I didn't know when. It was overwhelming, terrifying, and seemingly impossible to fathom.

None of that mattered anymore as I woke up that morning and determined that "This is the day things are going to change. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know how it is all going to work out." But I somehow knew that it would be OK. It had to be. Because I had lost myself and I needed to get myself back. I was smothering, I was drowning and I didn't even know who I was anymore. Day to day life had become a depressing chore of being miserable but trying to maintain the illusion that everything was A.O.K for my kids' sake.

That day was 2 months and 6 days ago. And while I am not going to go into any great detail about the situation or what has gone on the last two months, I will say this: I feel human again. I feel alive again. I feel like the massive weight I had on my shoulders for so long has been lifted. I wake up and see the sun. I hear the birds. I play with my kids. I feel free to enjoy my kids. I feel like I can be at home. Little things that I didn't even realize were sucking the life out of me are things I don't have to worry about anymore. I have a tan. I have a hair cut. I wear make up. I have pretty finger and toe nails. I bought some new jewelry and clothes. I'm enrolling in school this fall. My daughter is taking swimming lessons. I'm re-establishing old relationships and enjoying a couple of new friends. My girls are flourishing and having a fabulous summer.

So many doors have shut the past few years for me......and many, many, many windows are opening up. And I am thoroughly enjoying spreading my wings and flying through all of those open windows. I've felt broken for a long time. I'm not saying things are a piece of cake. There are definite challenges. But I am embracing those challenges now rather than wondering how I am going to make it through another day. And every day, another window seems to appear out of nowhere and open right up.

Right now, at this moment in time, life is good. And it's been a long time since I could honestly say that! BOO-YAH!!

Amazing what two weeks can do. There are lots of changes happening. Healing occurring on many fronts, and fresh starts beginning. Mama will be OK.

Happy Birthday Sweet Feisty!

My dear, sweet Feisty,

There is no way in the world that a simple letter to you on you birthday could accurately convey to you how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and how proud I am to have you as my daughter. But hopefully you know that already and someday you'll have a good time reading back on the letters I wrote you for your birthday.

Exactly 4 years and 4 hours ago you came into my life. It is unbelievable to me that it has been that long already and you are such a big girl now. They say that when you become a parent that time goes so much faster than it ever did and that kids grow up so fast. I am finding that to be more and more true every day, week, month and year.

I remember your birth-day like it was yesterday. I can remember your cry, your face when they first gave you to me. I remember those first few days of your life in the hospital and after we took you home and how the adjustment from 2 to 3 kids seemed so huge to me at the time (looking back and knowing what I know now.....that was cake). I remember your colic and thinking how it was never going to end and people telling me their stories of colic and how those children turned out to be the most mild-mannered, sweet and empathetic children. While I wouldn't exactly call you "mild-mannered", the words "sweet" and "empathetic" could have your picture next to them in the dictionary.

I love you so much and for so many reasons; first and foremost because you are my daughter. But you endear yourself to me more and more every day because of who you are and who you are becoming.

I love your heart. It is so tender. It is so caring. It is so full of love and concern, sympathy and empathy for the people you care about.

I love how protective you are of your big sister, Care Bear. Despite the fact that sometimes she can be a bully-ish big sister, that never phases you and your love for her never wavers. She has always been and will always be your hero.

I love how you have acclimated so well to being a big sister. You are a champ. I love how you care for and love your little baby sisters, particularly "your baby", Emma. I love how you talk baby talk to them.

I love how you rub in the kisses I give you so that you can keep them forever.

I love your imagination and I love how you do not need to have the most modern gadgets and toys in order to have fun playing. You use the best gadget you have; your brain. I love that you want to play with me, your old mama, in these games. I cherish that because I know that will not always be the case.

I love how you call goosebumps "juice bumps", your heart beating "beeping", your feet sleeping "snoring", marshmallows "shmarshshmallows", Jesus "Jejus" and many other "Feisty-isms".

I love that you love being my "buddy". I love the times that you and I get to spend together in the mornings after the older kids go to school and the babies are sleeping. You talk a mile a minute and never run out of things to say.

I love that you have an imaginary "phone buddy" that you have full conversations with on the phone. I hope "Callie" calls you today and tells you "happy birthday".

I love your hugs. Your amazing, crushing, full-of-love hugs.

I love that you've learned to ride your bike and I love watching you riding your bike around our street with your neighborhood buddies.

I love your smile. You have one of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen and it radiates your whole being.

I love hearing you sing in the back of the car when we are on the way somewhere. You have a beautiful little singing voice and I hope you always love to use it.

I love your zest for life. Your enthusiasm and your excitement can make even the most mundane things seem like the most amazing thing in the world!

I love all of the pictures you've been drawing lately. You are starting to take after your sister in the artistic talent department. I want you to know that I have saved every little picture, chicken scratching and doodle you have ever made.

I love that you have been planning this birthday and the activities for it since before Christmas. I hope it has been all you dreamed it would be (up until this point).

And while some of your little "OCD" tendencies can sometimes get on my nerves, or may not occur during the most convenient times, I love the fact that you know what you like and what you want and that you have the fierce determination to go after it. I hope you always have that fierce determination but that your sweet and kind heart will always be there to off-set that fierce determination. Those two characteristics will get you far in life.

I could write pages and pages on why I love you so much. What I have written to you today just barely scratches the surface because there is not a way to put onto paper what is in my heart for you.

I love, adore and cherish you my sweet little girl. And I couldn't be more proud of you. I am thankful everyday that I was lucky enough to give birth to you. So on your special day, I want to wish you the very best of birthdays. You are my big four year old girl and I hope you have a wonderful year!

Love with all of my heart,
Mommy

Awards Ceremony

Welcome to Mama's 1st Annual Award ceremony. All five of my children have recently achieved some pretty important things, therefore I decided they deserve to be recognized for their fabulous accomplishments. Please join me in congratulating them as well.

We will begin with......

ANAKIN

Anakin has had a little bit of a rough year this year in school. It can be hard to convince him to sit down after school and do his homework. However, as of the last few weeks, he has done his homework without being reminded and (for the most part) has been remembering to turn it in. Good job, Anakin, for your efforts in working harder in school. Your hardwork will pay off in the end!

Now, on to.....

CARE BEAR

Care Bear has had a real issue with stage fright in the past. Anytime there was a performance she was in, whether it be at church or at her pre-school, she would just stand there on the stage with a "deer in the headlights" look, regardless of all of the encouraging, hand-waving, and stupid looking faces I would throw her. However, this past Christmas, she was in our Church's children's Christmas program, and for the first time, she actually performed!! I was so excited and so proud. I wanted to do a "happy dance" right in the middle of the aisle. This past Tuesday, she had her "Kindergarten Showcase" at school. I was holding my breath until I saw her step on to the stage hoping that her Christmas performance wasn't just a fluke. And it was not. She sang her heart out and did all of the motions all the way through (with the exception of one song that she said she hated and proclaimed early on she would, under no uncertain circumstances sing that song.....and she held to her word...). So Care Bear is awarded for overcoming her "stage fright". I'm so proud of you, sweetie!

Next is, little miss.....

FEISTY

It's no secret that Feisty has had some issues surrounding the potty. And while she has not yet mastered the skill, she has improved greatly and I am very proud of her. She no longer even wants to wear training pants at night (however, mama overrides this....for now....)which is a good sign. While she is hesitant to go at first, once she does, she is sooo proud of herself and likes to show the world (or whomever happens to be around at the time)how good a "job" she actually did. Congratulations, sweetie, on getting the hang of going potty. Keep working on it and hopefully by fall, you'll have it mastered and can go to PRE-SCHOOL!!

On to the mini-twinnies.....First up.....

KATIE

As I've mentioned before, Miss Kate can be a little fuss budget. Afternoons seem to be rough for her. But lately (due to more sleep, I firmly believe), she is such a little "ray of sunshine" in the morning. This morning I woke up and heard some noise coming from her little bed. I was half waiting for a wail, or a scream, but I went over there and she was laying on her back, just looking around the room and gave me the most beautiful of baby smiles. What a great way to start the day. So, Katie is being awarded for her improved sleep patterns and that beautiful smile (which is much preferred over your snorts, miss Kate!)

And last, BUT DEFINITELY not least.....

EMMA BEMMA!

Emma Bemma has turned into my "champion sleeper". She has even surpassed her big sister, Feisty, a couple of nights this week. As a rule, she has been sleeping 8-8.5 hours straight a night lately. Not always, but more often than not. Her twin isn't doing quite as well yet, which is why Emma-Bemma is being awarded for her "superior sleeping skills". You are my hero Emma. Thanks for letting Mama sleep a little more. I love you, sweet pea!

And that's it....I think. Five awards. Five kids. And that is all there will ever be.

I love all of you and you make me oh, so proud!!

THEY DID IT AGAIN!!!

Complete Disbelief

My baby girls (of the twin variety) went to sleep at 7:00 at night. They are morning babies. Awake at the crack of dawn; happy as can be; crabby by afternoon and asleep by early evening. I went to bed at 9:30, thinking to myself that I would probably be awoken within the hour. Instead, I was awoken at 1:30 a.m. by my baby girl (of the *almost* four year old variety) to change her soaking wet jammies and sheets (due to the fact that she violently refused to wear training pants last night. I told her not to bother waking me up if she peed her bed because I warned her. But like I could really in good conscious let her sleep in her own pee....I digress.) It wasn't until I had changed the jammies and gotten Feisty back to bed that I realized, "It's 1:30 a.m. Those babies are still asleep!" Brief panic ensued as I feared SIDS, but when I checked on them, there they were, side by side, slightly snoring and sleeping (so to speak) like babies. I hustled myself back to bed to take advantage of this momentous occasion and slept for two more hours before I was finally awoken by both babies to be fed. The each ate and promptly went back to sleep until 6:30 this morning when they woke for the day---big, gummy, giddy smiles and all.

Eight and a half solid hours of sleep for those babies, people!! That is so huge! I am not delusional enough to think that there will be a repeat performance of that tonight. I won't get my hopes up. I've been burned too many times by getting my hopes up like that with previous children.

Had I not had to get up in the middle of the night to clean up another kid, I myself would have gotten six straight hours.

I am impressed, baby girls. Please, for the love of everything, KEEP IT UP!!!