Jul 21, 2008

Have you ever woken up one day and had an overwhelming sense of clarity regarding a situation you were in? Well I have. And it happened to me 2 months and 6 days ago. I woke up that morning and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could no longer be in the situation I was in any longer and I had to do something about it. There was no question, no hesitation. Just a matter of fact. It had to be done. My situation had been declining rapidly over the course of the past 15 or 16 months. I knew this whole time, as things continually got worse, that eventually I would have to do something about this. But I didn't know how. I didn't know when. It was overwhelming, terrifying, and seemingly impossible to fathom.

None of that mattered anymore as I woke up that morning and determined that "This is the day things are going to change. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know how it is all going to work out." But I somehow knew that it would be OK. It had to be. Because I had lost myself and I needed to get myself back. I was smothering, I was drowning and I didn't even know who I was anymore. Day to day life had become a depressing chore of being miserable but trying to maintain the illusion that everything was A.O.K for my kids' sake.

That day was 2 months and 6 days ago. And while I am not going to go into any great detail about the situation or what has gone on the last two months, I will say this: I feel human again. I feel alive again. I feel like the massive weight I had on my shoulders for so long has been lifted. I wake up and see the sun. I hear the birds. I play with my kids. I feel free to enjoy my kids. I feel like I can be at home. Little things that I didn't even realize were sucking the life out of me are things I don't have to worry about anymore. I have a tan. I have a hair cut. I wear make up. I have pretty finger and toe nails. I bought some new jewelry and clothes. I'm enrolling in school this fall. My daughter is taking swimming lessons. I'm re-establishing old relationships and enjoying a couple of new friends. My girls are flourishing and having a fabulous summer.

So many doors have shut the past few years for me......and many, many, many windows are opening up. And I am thoroughly enjoying spreading my wings and flying through all of those open windows. I've felt broken for a long time. I'm not saying things are a piece of cake. There are definite challenges. But I am embracing those challenges now rather than wondering how I am going to make it through another day. And every day, another window seems to appear out of nowhere and open right up.

Right now, at this moment in time, life is good. And it's been a long time since I could honestly say that! BOO-YAH!!