My Little Skit----Enjoy!!

Judge: "Divorce anyone?!?!"

Me: "Yes, sir. I'll take one, please."

Judge: "Take a number....you are next in line."

Me: "Thank you, oh kind sir...."

Judge: "Mrs....oh, excuse me....MISS Kristen.....one divorce coming up. Your order will be up tomorrow. Just be here on time. Oh....and with your babies' social security numbers, please."

Me: "You can count on me, sir. Oh, and if you could, please, kind sir. With my order, could you please super-size it and add in a kind, sweet, chivalrous, HARD-WORKING, loving husband, who loves my children somewhere down the road? I'm willing to pay extra."

Judge: "I can't help you there, ma'am. But if you make your request known to my boss, (his name is God....the big judge), he will take it into consideration, I am sure."

Me: " I will, sir. Thank you. But for now, thanks for my 'order'. Although it did take a little longer than I had hoped it would. Five months. Could've been worse, though. Thanks!"

Judge: "You're welcome. You're a free woman now. Go forth and do good things."

Me: "Count on it. Maybe one of these days in the near future, I will be working with you. I plan to make good things happen for me and my kids."

Judge: "I know you will. "Enjoy" your divorce."

Me: "No question about it. See ya!"

If this makes absolutely no sense to you whatsoever.....email me or my mom.....we'd be happy to explain!!

Over You by Daughtry (adapted to fit my situation)

Now that it’s all said and done

I can’t believe you were the one

To build me up and tear me down

Like an old abandoned house

What you said when I left

Just left me cold and out of breath

I fell too far, was in way too deep

Guess I let you get the best of me

(Chorus) Well I never saw it coming

I should have started running

A long, long time ago!

And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over I’m finally gettin’ better

Now I’m picking up the pieces

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you!!! (End Chorus)

You took a hammer to these walls

Dragged the memories down the hall

I Packed my bags and walked away

There was nothing you could say,

And when I slammed the front door shut

A lot of other’s opened up

So did my eyes so I could see

That you never were the best for me

(Chorus) Well I never saw it coming I should have started running

A long, long time ago!

And I never thought I’d doubt you I’m better off without you

More than you, more than you know

I’m slowly getting closure I guess it’s really over

I’m finally getting’ better

Now I’m picking up the pieces

From spending all of these years

Putting my heart back together

‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through I got over you!!!

On The Menu Today....Poop!!! Mmmmmm

The day started out like any other ordinary day in the life of Kristen....oh oops...my bad.....no it didn't. It started out like a train wreck when I was jolted out of bed at the early hour of 7:30 by Care Bear who sauntered into my room, turned on the TV and settled into watch Nick Jr. (Not that I expect my 6 year old --although she is usually more organized than I am-- to voluntarily get herself up and start getting ready for school when Mom is crashed out in bed still.) It took me a minute or two to get my bearings and figure out what was going on. Is it Saturday? What time is it? Why is my TV on? Why is Care Bear in my bed? And WHAT THE?!?!....Why is my face stuck to my Family Law book and UGH....whose morning breath is that?!?! GROSS! It's mine!

The morning continued to improve as I managed to get my lazy butt to the bathroom and discover that since I had chosen to use my text book as a pillow last night, my face was adorned with beautiful pink and green tattoos from high lighter pens. "Wow," I thought to myself. "Are my fellow moms at Care Bear's school ever going to be impressed by me this morning!!" However, lucky for me, I didn't have to worry about that, since as the next half hour progressed, it became glaringly obvious to me that I was not going to make it in time to take Care Bear to school (unless I really intended to scare the bejeezus out of the school administration and make them doubt my sanity and abilities as a mother...). Lucky for me, I have a sister-in-law (who I will legally only be able to refer to as my friend in the very near future) who lives across the street and was more than willing to escort Care Bear to school that morning. I think she was concerned about my sanity a little herself this morning when she got a glimpse of me.

I breathed a little sigh of relief when she said she would take Care Bear to school because the pressure was off a little. I didn't have to offend anyone with my face artwork, or my heinous morning breath, or my babies' nasty smelling diapers. The relief was short lived, however, when I discovered that during the chaos of getting Care Bear out the door, that my little Emma Bemma was downstairs screaming her head off. It didn't take me long to realize that her little constipation problem (don't get me started on the fact that I seem to have yet another child who suffers constipation) had apparently corrected itself overnight and a little explosion had taken place in her pants. She (suffice it to say) was not happy with how long it took me to take care of her issue. So much so that it was nearly impossible to get her wiggly little butt to sit still so I could place another diaper on her. Between holding her belly down to get the new diaper on her and using my other hand to wipe her, I somehow neglected to wad up and secure the nasty diaper. But by the time I had finished with her, I had another screaming baby to tend to and a four year old screaming at me for Fruit Pebbles. So, the stinky diaper got forgotten.....

Fast forward half an hour. Feisty has been fed...babies have been changed. And curiously enough, I realized (a little too late) that those babies were being uncharacteristically quiet. For babies who don't stay content for more than ten minutes at a time, that made me a little nervous. And my instinct was correct. As I headed down the stairs, the pungent aroma of baby bowels was a little too strong for my taste. My first thought was "Oh CRAP (literally)....a baby pooped on the floor.....". Oh, if only that was all.....

My sweet little curious scooters had discovered a fun new toy. The un-wadded, un-secured MASSIVELY POOPY diaper! "Oh, what fun this is! What is this squishy smelly stuff? Let's finger paint with it Katie! OK, Emma! Wee-hhheeeeeee this is fun!! And since we put absolutely everything in our mouths, why should this be any different?! I mean who care if it smells like the county dump! How will we know if we don't try?!?!" Have you ever smelled a babies' breath after they have taste tested their own poop??!?! I hope for your sake that you haven't. This was a new one for me. A new mommy experience. I thought I had experienced it all. And you might think that was it. But not quite. Feisty, curious to know what all the commotion was about came down the stairs, and in my full on panic, I failed to notice that she had stepped in the poo and tracked it all over the white play room carpet!!!! (Please tell me....who puts white carpet in their house unless they plan to use it for a show home?!?!....No offense to anyone here who may have white carpet.)

In a mere hour, I managed to have a full months worth of disasters. I was a walking Murphy's Law example this morning. After the disasters had settled, the poo was cleaned off of carpets, shoes, clothes and babies' mouths, and I had to sit on my front porch, stare off into space for a minute or two, and then did the only thing I could do. Laugh hysterically. I mean really. Who does this happen to?!?! Me. That's who.

On a high note....the rest of the day was great. The weather was beautiful; Feisty and I played in the carpet of leaves at my parents' house and enjoyed the day and I did no school work. Who could concentrate after all that?? Not to mention my head is so full right now I think I might just be on overload.

Oh, and just for the record.....this song playing is my new anthem. Not the part about wanting to start a fight, or being a rock star....but the other stuff. Booyah!!

Do I Have Any Teeth Left?!?!

You can't see it right now but I am opening my mouth really wide in an effort to send out cyber signals so you can tell me if I have any teeth left. I don't think I do because I have gritted them down to the gums in the past few days or so. And I think I've worked jaw muscles I didn't even know I had from clenching it so much.

In a word (or three....) I am stressed. I told my mom today that a certain person in my life would call my stress "karma" for what I have put him through in the past few months (albeit greatly deserved).

Gone are the fantasy filled days of the summer; lounging in the pool, doing whatever I wanted with the girls, and thoroughly enjoying the freedom I had so longed for for so long. Gone are the pretty nails that I loved so much (even though it was impossible to do anything with them like, say, button a 4 year olds' shirt....besides, who can afford to keep 'em up anyway). It is now rare that I wear make-up (who has the time) or make my hair pretty (again....the time issue). But my very kind mother told me the other day (on a particularly gross feeling day) that even on my worst days now, I look better than I did a few months ago on my best day. MAN, I must have really looked like poop in the "old days". Little did I know..... And get this.....I have gained almost 10 lbs in the past 5 months. For most people, that would be a crisis. For this former skin n' bones? Not so much a bad thing. I can now wear my jeans and only put the belt on the 3rd hole instead of the 4th! That's an accomplishment people! (And my low weight?? Nothing to do with another situation I battled years ago......these days, I love to eat. A little thing called stress made it impossible. Some people over eat under stress....I can't eat under stress.) I knew the "romance" of it wouldn't last forever. Or maybe I didn't know it. Maybe I thought my life was going to be a bed of roses from here on out. WRONG! Take it from me; if you are ever in a position like mine (which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, just so y'know...), don't get too cocky or excited when things take the appearance of going your way. Cuz inevitably one, or two, or maybe three (for good measure) shoes will start to drop....from everywhere.

"Why such a negative attitude tonight, Kristen", you may ask. Hmph. Because I have had the day (or two or three.....for good measure) from H....E.....double hockey sticks. (That's hell, just in case you missed it.)

Feisty is once again (if she ever wasn't) suffering from UTIs. Her pediatrician (who she was rarely able to see throughout her struggles over the past year and a half) finally referred us to a pediatric urologist and offered me multiple suggestions on how to conquer the constipation/potty training/UTI problem(s). The bad part for Feisty??? Since no one else up until this point has bothered to offer these suggestions, my poor little four year old girl (who has been to the doctor more than any four year old should ever have to) has to once again endure uncomfortable and not fun tests that she just took a year ago which came back negative to any genetic problems causing these problems. This could have all been avoided had these little nuggets of advice had been given to me long ago. Or maybe not. I have also been referred to a psychologist for her for other possible reasons for her problems that I can not even begin to fathom and which I will not go into in this forum. If you are a praying person, please pray for my precious little girl.....

I am on multiple benefits from the government right now. Yes, I will put it out there.....I am POOR. Dirt POOR. So I am (supposed to be) getting certain benefits that are crucial in keeping my family alive. (Just a minor thing....). I know the feelings that surround people who are on welfare. But believe me, I am not one of those people who just keeps poppin' out kids and refuses to get a job just so I can continue to live off the government. (Don't let those four little gems of mine fool you......I am DONE. No more kid poppin' for me!) The problem??? The #$%@@ government apparently doesn't know how to do their job and are under the hugely mistaken impression that I am enjoying receiving their benefits and are in no huge hurry to make sure I get those. Cuz you know....I really love being poor and I really have a suga daddy out there that is supporting me and I am just mooching off the government for no real reason. Anyhooooo.....I was supposed to receive some of those benefits three days ago. They haven't shown up yet. I inquired today as to why. "Oh", says the highly helpful clerk at the office. "It looks like you haven't turned in something that you were supposed to." Right now, let me give you a visual. Have you ever seen a cartoon in which a character in the cartoon gets so mad that the top of their head literally comes off and it looks like a volcano is erupting from it? Well, if I were a cartoon, that would've been me today. But I maintained. Barely. "I turned those documents in almost a month ago.....by the deadline." Upon more searching, the highly helpful clerk discovered that, "Oops....our bad....the office in the town up north just received your file yesterday. So, I can set up an appointment with a clerk for you or you can call the call center and see if they can get moving on your file ASAP." At that point in time, I had to quickly walk out of that office and use every amount of restraint I had to keep from running through the halls of that office and screaming what I really thought of them. But I didn't. Aren't you proud of me? I declined the appointment. Been there.....done that. And the call center??? Yeah. Three calls in the past week that have resulted in 30+ minute waits each time. I guess us poor people are just not important enough to be waited on or helped in an expedient manner. Dude....tell you what......when I become President....................................

Next....on to the Social Security Administration (which, in my $%($# town is only open one day a week) to find out what is going on with the social security cards for me and the girls (which were stolen quite some time ago which I ordered quite some time ago). I walk in, birth certificates in hand (which by the way cost $88 to get because a person who shall remain nameless decided to take the certificates with him when he/she/it moved out), ID in hand, only to be told that, "Oh, I'm sorry. But we need some form of ID for the kids, such as insurance cards (Medicaid doesn't suffice because it doesn't have their birth dates on them) or immunization records showing their birth dates on them. (Cue the head exploding volcano again.....). UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......what more official form if ID could you possibly need besides a birth certificate which not only proves their date of birth, but their time of birth and the parents' names?!?!?! Again, I somehow maintained my composure and somehow walked calmly out of that office. I don't know how I did it. Divine intervention.

All of this was going on this morning while I was supposed to be studying for a major exam for Mr. Professor, Lawyer Sir (see previous post) which is due Monday, which I am not going to get done because my lifeline (i.e. MY MOM) is going to be leaving Friday morning for 10 days, and I am lucky enough to get to attend a class all evening Friday and all day Saturday which will leave me no time for studying. Oh, and incidentally.....that albatross of an assignment I told you about?!?! I got a B!!!!! The man not only took away any form of life I have (and continues to do so) but he had the absolute audacity to give me a B and tarnish my (thus far) straight A record.

WOW! That felt realllllll good!! Oh, and I almost forgot one itty bitty little thing. The person(s) who convinced me to make a major life change recently and promised to support me in that major life change are suddenly having a change of heart. Cool, huh? Not a smart move when you're dealing with someone studying law. This situation screams "breach of contract" all over it!!! Watch out! I am in a mood!!!!!

Now, I think I will go brush my (almost non-existent) teeth and go to bed. Mr. Lawyer Professor Sirs test will just have to wait until tomorrow. I've spent too much time with him today!! Maybe next time you hear from me I will be the happy, perky Kristen once again. Ha.