On The Menu Today....Poop!!! Mmmmmm

The day started out like any other ordinary day in the life of Kristen....oh oops...my bad.....no it didn't. It started out like a train wreck when I was jolted out of bed at the early hour of 7:30 by Care Bear who sauntered into my room, turned on the TV and settled into watch Nick Jr. (Not that I expect my 6 year old --although she is usually more organized than I am-- to voluntarily get herself up and start getting ready for school when Mom is crashed out in bed still.) It took me a minute or two to get my bearings and figure out what was going on. Is it Saturday? What time is it? Why is my TV on? Why is Care Bear in my bed? And WHAT THE?!?!....Why is my face stuck to my Family Law book and UGH....whose morning breath is that?!?! GROSS! It's mine!

The morning continued to improve as I managed to get my lazy butt to the bathroom and discover that since I had chosen to use my text book as a pillow last night, my face was adorned with beautiful pink and green tattoos from high lighter pens. "Wow," I thought to myself. "Are my fellow moms at Care Bear's school ever going to be impressed by me this morning!!" However, lucky for me, I didn't have to worry about that, since as the next half hour progressed, it became glaringly obvious to me that I was not going to make it in time to take Care Bear to school (unless I really intended to scare the bejeezus out of the school administration and make them doubt my sanity and abilities as a mother...). Lucky for me, I have a sister-in-law (who I will legally only be able to refer to as my friend in the very near future) who lives across the street and was more than willing to escort Care Bear to school that morning. I think she was concerned about my sanity a little herself this morning when she got a glimpse of me.

I breathed a little sigh of relief when she said she would take Care Bear to school because the pressure was off a little. I didn't have to offend anyone with my face artwork, or my heinous morning breath, or my babies' nasty smelling diapers. The relief was short lived, however, when I discovered that during the chaos of getting Care Bear out the door, that my little Emma Bemma was downstairs screaming her head off. It didn't take me long to realize that her little constipation problem (don't get me started on the fact that I seem to have yet another child who suffers constipation) had apparently corrected itself overnight and a little explosion had taken place in her pants. She (suffice it to say) was not happy with how long it took me to take care of her issue. So much so that it was nearly impossible to get her wiggly little butt to sit still so I could place another diaper on her. Between holding her belly down to get the new diaper on her and using my other hand to wipe her, I somehow neglected to wad up and secure the nasty diaper. But by the time I had finished with her, I had another screaming baby to tend to and a four year old screaming at me for Fruit Pebbles. So, the stinky diaper got forgotten.....

Fast forward half an hour. Feisty has been fed...babies have been changed. And curiously enough, I realized (a little too late) that those babies were being uncharacteristically quiet. For babies who don't stay content for more than ten minutes at a time, that made me a little nervous. And my instinct was correct. As I headed down the stairs, the pungent aroma of baby bowels was a little too strong for my taste. My first thought was "Oh CRAP (literally)....a baby pooped on the floor.....". Oh, if only that was all.....

My sweet little curious scooters had discovered a fun new toy. The un-wadded, un-secured MASSIVELY POOPY diaper! "Oh, what fun this is! What is this squishy smelly stuff? Let's finger paint with it Katie! OK, Emma! Wee-hhheeeeeee this is fun!! And since we put absolutely everything in our mouths, why should this be any different?! I mean who care if it smells like the county dump! How will we know if we don't try?!?!" Have you ever smelled a babies' breath after they have taste tested their own poop??!?! I hope for your sake that you haven't. This was a new one for me. A new mommy experience. I thought I had experienced it all. And you might think that was it. But not quite. Feisty, curious to know what all the commotion was about came down the stairs, and in my full on panic, I failed to notice that she had stepped in the poo and tracked it all over the white play room carpet!!!! (Please tell me....who puts white carpet in their house unless they plan to use it for a show home?!?!....No offense to anyone here who may have white carpet.)

In a mere hour, I managed to have a full months worth of disasters. I was a walking Murphy's Law example this morning. After the disasters had settled, the poo was cleaned off of carpets, shoes, clothes and babies' mouths, and I had to sit on my front porch, stare off into space for a minute or two, and then did the only thing I could do. Laugh hysterically. I mean really. Who does this happen to?!?! Me. That's who.

On a high note....the rest of the day was great. The weather was beautiful; Feisty and I played in the carpet of leaves at my parents' house and enjoyed the day and I did no school work. Who could concentrate after all that?? Not to mention my head is so full right now I think I might just be on overload.

Oh, and just for the record.....this song playing is my new anthem. Not the part about wanting to start a fight, or being a rock star....but the other stuff. Booyah!!