Let me Share with You

I'm going to share with any people that read my blog today something that I wrote a long, long time ago when I was going through something very difficult. I was going through some files today on my computer to clean it up a little and came across this. It's crazy how reading something that was written so long ago can take you back to that time and place in an instant. You can smell the smells, feel the feelings, and literally re-live that time. I wrote this when I was planning on starting a support group at a church I was attending at the time. The group never came to fruition, however the writing is still here and it makes me feel good to read it now and see how far I've come in *gulp* 11 years since the time I was going through this. Hopefully someone else can read it and get inspiration from it as well. Enjoy. (It's kind of long).

THE METAMORPHISIS

Imagine for a
moment with me that you are in your backyard. As you wander
through the
grass, admiring the crisp fall air, the beautiful leaves
turning colors of
gold and ash and red, you begin to imagine. The air
smells sweet and has a
touch of winter to it. You can picture yourself
very soon sitting by the
fire, popping popcorn and enjoying being with your
loved ones at Christmas
as you share fond memories of holidays past. As
you begin to come out of
your reverie, your eyes come face to face with a
cocoon, balancing itself on
one of the leaves of a tree. You admire it,
and you revel at the amazement
of the transformation that is happening
within that little haven. An
unattractive, rejected creature is going
through a metamorphosis that will
result in one of the most beautiful
creatures God has ever created.....a
butterfly. It is completely unique to
itself, and unlike any other ever
created. Its wings consist of almost
every color in the rainbow. Its shape
allows it to soar over the earth.
It's gentle and humble, un-harming, yet
able to take care of itself. You
smile to yourself, thank God for small
wonders, and walk back into your
house where Mom has prepared a wonderful
meal that your whole family will
undoubtedly gorge itself on. The cocoon
slips out of your mind, to be
un-thought of again until you happen to run
across another. You are
completely unaware of what is happening within the
cocoon....

Outside, the wind begins to blow, rocking the fragile leaf
that houses the
precious creature inside. Inside the cocoon sits the
creature, in a
precarious state. Will it make it? Or will the stormy
weathers outside
its safe shell wreak havoc on the process it is undergoing?
It shivers.
It can see outside, but it's very foggy. It is completely aware
of it's
surroundings, but unable to attach emotion to it. After all, it's
between
worlds. It's in a shell, unable to love, live, or communicate until
that
shell is broken. Until it can spread it's wings and fly and show its
beauty to the world. But will it get that chance? Not if the cruel world
with its stormy weather and unpredictable circumstances have anything to
do with it. No, this creature must rely on a greater force. One that can
withstand all the trials and tribulations that it must go through to get
there. But it's unable to see, and understand. It must rely on trust. It
tries to see out, to understand what's going on in the outside world. It
wants to relate, to commune with nature and all of God's creatures. But
it's stuck. Bound by a greater force. A hard wall that is strong enough
to keep it locked in, but not strong enough to keep out the knowledge that
the world is out there. With great effort the creature struggles, and
eventually gets enough strength up to push. But to no avail. The wall is
as solid as a rock. It tries again. Still no luck. With several more
efforts, the creature resigns to the fact that it is stuck there, sighs,
and leans against the wall of its prison. "Will I ever get out of here?"
it wonders. "Will I ever be able to see the world as everyone else sees
it?" It feels alone, lost, scared and unsure. It only longs to be like
everyone else, like all the other creatures out there that have already
completed their METAMORPHISIS. But alas, it must wait. Hoping it lives
through all the obstacles it must live through. It's tired of being on the
outside looking in. It's tired of being in a body it feels uncomfortable
in. It's tired of being trapped, knowing there's better things out there,
but they're so far out of reach, and it has no idea how to bring them
within reach. It's just tired. Out of place. Alone.

This scenario
describes just as I felt while enduring an eating disorder. It may also be the
way many others feel while going through many other types of issues. I was
trapped. I knew what was happening, but there wasn't a thing I could do about
it. I had no way out. I was an outsider looking in, but unable to be a part of
the life I was
observing. Like the caterpillar hovering in its cocoon, I was
trapped in
my own private hell. I watched the world around me, enjoying all
the
beauty, and everyday activities, but I was completely unable to be a
participant. I became withdrawn, preventing myself from being hurt by
outside forces. I distanced myself from my family and friends, and became
a person that I myself didn't even recognize. What was this strange and
unfamiliar creature that was living within me; this disease that had
overtaken my body? I tried over and over but to no avail, to try to break
that wall, free myself of the prison that I had put myself in. I was
lonely, tired, out of place and alone. "What is the purpose of this?", I
questioned to myself and to God every single day of my life. Why me, God?
Why am I going through this hell? No answer that I got ever satisfied me.
And I knew I was stuck. The knowledge of what I was doing to myself
superseded the fear of getting fat, of losing control and being unable to
regain it. I couldn't let that happen. So I continued to harm myself. I
was in danger of not completing the METAMORPHISIS that God was trying to
achieve. The outside forces of the world that rocked my safe little haven
were threatening to win. Would I make it? Luckily, I did.
But not
without months of in-patient treatment, and the love and support
of my
family and friends, and most importantly my final resignation to put
my
faith, trust, and life in the hands of my creator.....the one who would
indeed complete that transformation. It's not an easy thing to overcome,
in fact, it's the hardest task I've ever had to accomplish in my whole
life. But the end result is amazing......

After what seems forever,
the creature begins to stir. It had given up the
fight, admitted to the fact
that it wasn't its fight in the first place,
and placed its well-being in
the capable hands of it's creator. It was a
terribly hard thing to do, but
when that stubborn wall refused to break on
its own, and when that fog that
clouded its vision refused to lift, it
decided it had no choice but to
wait....and wait....and wait....and trust
that that greater force knew what
it was doing. Not that the creature
didn't work....Oh, no....it worked with
all it's might. For, you see, once
it put it's faith and trust in its
creator, things began to happen. And
the work became a mission to become all
it could be and free itself of that
horrible prison. And eventually it
did....it didn't happen all at once,
but day by day, the wall became softer,
and the fog became thinner, and the
terribly strong strings that had bound
it began to unravel. And one day,
without even realizing it, they were gone.
It had been such a slow subtle
process, that it didn't even realize that it
was at this very moment,
soaring over the earth, the wind through its wings,
with more freedom than
it had ever imagined. Beautiful in its own right,
because it was unique.

The butterfly never forgot those days that it
spent in that cocoon. While
it was a trying and difficult time, and it would
never want to repeat it,
the experience taught it strength, perseverance,
character, and the
ability to put its total trust and faith in something it
couldn't see,
touch, or hear. And the result....total METAMORPHISIS.

By Kristen P.
October 1995