The Hardest Job In The World

In my humble opinion, there is one job in the world that is harder than being a parent; and that is being a step parent. I know there are at least a couple of you out there who read my blog who will back me up on that. Not only does a step parent have to contend with the biological parent who does not have custody, but a step parent also has to contend with the custodial biological parent. The custodial parent typically tends to be the mother, but in my case, my husband has custody of our step son. You've all heard me talk about Anakin's biological mother before and the struggles I deal with on almost a daily basis with her. But it goes beyond that.

This post comes on the heels of what I discussed yesterday in disciplining our children. It's one thing for me to discipline my children. They are mine. They are my flesh and blood. It is my job to discipline them in a way that will make them understand boundaries; learn right from wrong; and grow up to be responsible, respectable members of society. It is a completely different dynamic trying to discipline a step child. At what point is it acceptable for a step parent to begin disciplining a step child? How long does a step parent have to know the step child, or how well does the step parent have to know the step child before he/she can begin feeling comfortable enough and have enough authority to begin disciplining the step child? How far can you go in discplining that step child without "stepping on the toes" of the biological parents? In my case, Anakin has been living with us full time since he was three. He will be nine in January. For all intents and purposes, I am his mother; blood or no blood. I am the one who makes his lunch every day for school. I am the one who takes care of him when he is sick. I take him to the doctor, the dentist. I wash his clothes. I make sure he does his homework and help him when he needs it. I am the one who takes him to school; attends parent/teacher conferences. And on and on and on.....I would think that this would entitle me to some level of authority and ability to discipline him. And I do. It didn't take me long after he began living with us full time to feel comfortable enough to discipline him. After all, I am with him more than either one of his biological parents.

This has always been OK with my husband. He has never had an issue with me disciplining "his son". Until the past four years when our two girls were born. The dynamic began to change. All of a sudden, when disciplining Anakin, to him it became an issue of me "favoring the girls over Anakin", or being too hard on Anakin and too lenient on the girls. This all came to a head last night when I tried to enforce a grounding that hubby had issued as a "warning" to Anakin last week. Anakin was informed by my husband that he had had his last warning. The next time he defied authority or was disrespectful to any person in authority of him, he would be grounded for thirty days. An instance occured, which in my mind was blatant disrespect and defiance of me, and remembering hubby's warning, I informed Anakin that he was grounded for 30 days. to me, 30 days was a little excessive, but that is what hubby told him, therefore that is what I attempted to reinforce. This was plainly not acceptable to my husband, as I received several dirty looks, the "silent treatment" and further accusations of "being too hard on Anakin".

So, where does the line end and begin on how much I should be involved in Anakin's discipline? I'm about to give up and just tell the husband that I'm handing the reins over to him. If I have issues with Anakin during the day, I will tell him that Daddy will be handling his punishment when he gets home. What's a step-mom to do? I try to enforce punishments given by another parent, and I get in trouble for it. As far as the punishment for my girls is concerned; in my opinion punishments for a 9 year old are not the same punishments that are appropriate for a 4 or 2 year old. Hubby doesn't see it that way. He sees this as me favoring the girls; not being as hard on them as I am on him. I'm at a loss. Add to this the factor that Anakin's B.M. consistently tells him when he is with her that he doesn't have to listen to me because I am not his "real mom". How am I ever supposed to receive respect from this child when both of his biological parents are giving him the impression that he doesn't have to respect me? It's doubly difficult when those biological parents who are telling him this are only with him about 25% of the time combined.

Who knew that as we get older, life would get so much harder. And I hear it only gets worse. *sigh*.

On that happy note, I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. I am still working through my list of people who commented on my 125th post. My goal is to get to everyone by the end of the day. I hit a roadblock earlier this week when Mr. Nasty Cold Germ/Flu man came to pay a visit. He still hasn't vacated, but I think he's making his way out.