Sep 27, 2006

The words continue to echo in my head; over and over and over like a reverberating drum: "His kidneys have failed. It won't be long now." The words spoken to me by my mom last night didn't hit me at first. For a few days now, my Grandpa's health has been declining very rapidly. I spoke about him back in June when he was first moved into the nursing home. But Grandpa keeps hanging on. His penchant for being stubborn has served him well. So when I started hearing news again over the last few days about Grandpa going down hill fast, it was hard to believe. For years now, my grandpa has given us scare after scare after scare, but somehow always bounces back. So, despite his 93 years, I somehow in my mind keep believing that he is going to get better; he's going to live forever.

This time he's not. The words still keep ringing in my head.

I went to visit my grandpa last night. The grandpa I saw laying in his nursing home bed last night was not the grandpa I've always known. His eyes were closed; his mouth hung open; his breathing was shallow. His normally clean-shaven face had the hint of a five o'clock shadow. My aunt was there when I arrived, putting chap-stick on his dry lips. She had just gotten done feeding him a tiny bowl of ice cream; the only thing he had eaten all day. He can't eat anymore. he can't drink anymore. Water is given to him in tiny amounts through a straw, and the image of my aunt giving him water was like that of a mother bird feeding her baby birds.

I talked to Grandpa. I held Grandpa's hand. I rubbed Grandpa's head and I told Grandpa I loved him. I didn't think Grandpa would know I was there; I didn't know he was aware. But when I told him I loved him, a small, weak response came from him completely unresembling the strong and sometimes brash voice that I had always known: "I....love....you." Recognition. Response. He knew I was there; he knows that I love him. "I love you"s are not common with my Grandpa. But he told me he loved me; and I will take that with me when he goes. And he will take with him the knowledge that I was there.

This will be the 1st grandparent I will lose. I'm feeling sad today; I'm feeling a little numb. Life is going on around me as normal and I feel like I'm in a bubble. I worry about my grandma when he's gone; I worry about my Dad. I am not, however, worried about Grandpa. He will be in Heaven soon dancing at Jesus' feet and singing with the angels; this is what he dedicated his entire life to; being with Jesus someday. He's almost there.

I love you, Grandpa. We who are left here on earth will miss you greatly, but I know you will be happy in Heaven. You've had a long, fulfilling and wonderful life. Go in peace.


grandma and grandpa Carlson

24 comments:

Dawn said...

Beautiful tribute to Grandpa. I am so glad he knew you were there last night. Hard days are coming. But we can rejoice for Him for sure!

mamashine said...

Oh Kristen, I'm sorry. It's so hard, and there's not really anything anybody can say to make it easier. It doesn't matter how old they are, or how sick, you just still want them there with you.
How wonderful though that you don't have to worry where he's going.

And how blessed you are to still have grandparents. My husband's are all gone now, and I only have two left. They're such a blessing while they're here.

someone else said...

You've brought tears to my eyes, not only because my heart hurts for you, but because you reminded me that those were the last words I heard Daddy say to me. He was so frail, yet he was aware of my presense. I know you'll cherish that moment just as I do.

It's never easy, but time does help. My love and prayers are with you.

Mall Worker said...

Kristen, I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry, Kristen. It's a hard thing, losing these cornerstones of our lives.

I envy your opportunity to share final words and moments with him. What a gift to be treasured.

Many prayers for you.

Sherry said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you guys. Losing a grandparent is so tough, especially when they are so great.

Carole Burant said...

Losing a loved one is never easy, no matter how prepared you think you are...but with the love of family and friends you manage to pull through. He will be in a much better place and he's had a wonderful long life...he deserves to rest now after such a long journey. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs xox

Anonymous said...

What a beautifully written post. Hugs to you and your family during this difficult time. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful, moving post. I am sure he would be proud of you.

Pamela said...

Kristen, my hugs and prayers are with you and all your family now. Very touching post, and a lovely tribute to your Grandpa who has so dearly embraced your heart.

What a blessing for you that he recognized you as being there...God is good. You are blessed to have had this time with him! ((hugs))

kpjara said...

Prayers of peace and joy in the knowledge of his eternal salvation.

We (humans) don't do loss well, even loss to something greater...allow yourself to grieve and remember his life always!

Dianne said...

I'm so sorry too. I lost my maternal grandmom back in 2000 and I know exactly how you feel. Remember him with fond memories.

Will said...

He's so blessed to have a loving family surrounding him in his last days. Isn't that what we'd all hope for? Remember how blessed he is and maybe the days ahead will be a little easier.

Diane Viere said...

What a beautiful tribute...to an amazing life.

God Bless your entire family as you travel through this time of loss. I will be praying for you.

Diane

Barb said...

I read your mom's post, Kristen. I'm so sorry, for all of you. And this is a beautiful tribute to him.

Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ashley said...

sorry, i deleted the last comment!
i know exactly what you are going through and exactly how hard it is. my grandmother (who i was extremely close to) died about 7 years ago and the last time i saw her she hadn't been responsive to anyone in a long time. but when i got there my mom kept telling her i was there and i told her i loved her and she finally looked up and said "i love you" to me. it absolutely broke my heart but i'll always remember that and be thankful for that time. you guys are in my prayers!!

BlondeBrony said...

That was very well written. I am sorry that things aren't going well.
I will put you all in my prayers.

mouse said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. That was a beautiful post you wrote about your grandfather. I am so glad you got the chance to go visit him, it will be a precious memory to hold onto.

Pamela said...

Kristen, I just wanted to stop back by and express my deepest sympathy to you and your dear family, in the loss of your dear grandpa.

May God hold and cradle your dear Grandpa's spirit up in heaven and may he comfort you and your sweet family during this difficult time.

I am so very sorry, and our love and prayers will be with you and your family during this sad time. ((hugs))

Lei said...

Hugs, Kristen! May he go peacefully and may your family feel comfort at this time!

tam said...

So sorry about your Grandpa's failing health...

Your story rings so familiar in my own life...my Gramps is 81 and just came home from one more close call.

How precious a moment you had with him...to hear him tell you he loves you...what a sweet gift from Jesus.

Pam said...

Words just don't ever seem to be enough when you lose someone you love so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

brooke said...

Where are you Kristen??????