TMI?? Perhaps.....

Men (if any men read my blog) may want to stay clear of this post....fair warning.

So, ladies, you know how it is pre-baby.....I mean how your body is pre-baby. And then there is post-baby.

Let's just say that particularly pre-Feisty, I was a decent 34C. Now? I'm lucky if I'm a 34A. But I've been too lazy to go out and buy myself any new bras to fit my decreasing body.

So, I've been wearing the 34C bras; basically might as well not be wearing one at all.

I mentioned to my mom the other day that all I want for Christmas is a new bra. That's it. Just a new "over the shoulder boulder holder" (ten points if you know where that quote is from).

Yesterday morning she presented me with two new bras. She and Feisty went shopping for me. Yes, my two year old daughter helped pick out my new bras.

I'll just say one thing about my new bras that actually fit: I forgot how high up on my chest that my boobs go when I'm wearing a bra that actually fits. Go figure.

I did it myself!

See this template? See it? I did it all by myself!! Oh yeah! So tell me....the truth....is it too hard on the eyes? If so, I'll change it. I certainly do not want to blind anyone and make them not want to come visit. Let me know!

Christmas Tree Treasures

My Wordless Wednesday is below so go check that out, too.

I just wanted to put a plug in for an event happening next Friday, December 8th over at Morning Glory's .

She is hosting "Christmas Tree Treasures" on that fine day (which also happens to be my birthday....had to mention that). For the details, go here and join in on the fun!

Wordless Wednesday

My Snow Angel

The Abonminable Girl

Relaxing

An Explanation and Some Randomness

I thought I would give a little bit more of an explanation as to who Micah is (who I referred to in my last post) . A couple of people didn't know the situation or who he is, so I thought I'd help you out on that.

Micah is a little boy who was recently diagnosed with eye cancer after his mother discovered a growth on his eye. She initially thought that it was a bump from a tussle with his older brother, but after it didn't go away for quite some time, she took him to the doctor where they discovered cancer. Micah's parents are friends of missionaries to the Church of the Nazarene (which is where I attend.) The prayer request for Micah came through a couple of months ago and they have established a website: http://pray4micah.com where you can go and read in more detail his story, as well as updates as to how he is doing.

There hasn't been a whole lot of response to the "Pray For Micah" campaign that I posted about on Friday, but thanks to those that have responded and linked saying that you will pray for Micah on December 1 at 9:00 a.m. M.S.T. If you decide, after checking out Micah's site, that you would like to be a part of this, just go to this post and sign yourself up! I'd love to have you join those of us who are already planning on praying for this little guy together on December 1 (which is this Friday). If you'd like to even go one step further, feel free to spread the word as well.

And moving on....

Thanksgiving was great this year. Anakin, as is par for the course lately, was with his mother and even though holidays (as his mother loves to remind us) are shared, she made no effort to get him to us later in the day so that we could have some Thanksgiving time with him; and in fact, he didn't come home until yesterday afternoon after school was over. That's all I want to say about that because I'm SICK UP TO MY EYEBALLS of the whole situation.

My girls were in full holiday mode last Thursday. Care Bear took it upon herself to pick out both her's and Feisty's clothes for the day and if I do say so myself....she did quite well. They looked like little fashionistas. Unfortunately....no pics from the day. So, you'll just have to take my word for it. The earlier part of the day was spent at my maternal grandparents house with a lot of family, and two hours after we gorged ourselves there, we had to go to my in-laws house for more food. I couldn't even bring myself to eat more than jello at that dinner. Happens to me every year. There's simply too much family around here (not that I'm complaining!!)

Friday was spent decorating the tree/house complete with Christmas music and a fire. This was the first year that my girls really got into the spirit of decorating the tree. The bottom half of my tree is much more decorated than the top half (keep that in mind when you see my pics for the Christmas Tour of Homes. ) They really did a great job, though, and had so much fun. I was a little concerned that they would constantly want to be messing around with the ornaments; taking them off, breaking them, etc....but it turns out that Anakin is the problem where that is concerned. Since he came home yesterday afternoon, 3 ornaments have been broken, and several re-arranged. The girls haven't touched a thing. Hmmmm.....

Last evening, the kids spent time writing letters to Santa; complete with envelopes and return addresses. Do you think I really have to put a stamp on them? I think Anakin wants to physically watch me put the thing in the mailbox. Care Bear wrote her very own letter (with a little spelling help from yours truly) and had very specific ideas as to what she wants from Santa this year. Here are the kids' wish lists:

Anakin:
--Bionicles. That's it. Just Bionicles. Should be easy enough.

Care Bear:
--Barbies
--A Dora (not picky....any Dora will do)
--A new toy playhouse
--A Snowman (I'm assuming a toy snowman)
--A book
--A new backpack
--Dora card game
--etc, etc, etc...

When I initially asked Care Bear what she wanted for Christmas, she pointed at me and said, "You!" Yes, I love her mucho lotsa!

Feisty:
--Not old enough to make a list yet. However, no matter what she gets, she'll want to play with what Care Bear gets; so I'll probably make life easier for myself and get them each the exact same thing.

So far, I'm enjoying the holiday season. Currently, it is very over-cast. I think it's only supposed to get to 15 degrees here tomorrow and there's talk of snow. "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

And that's it for today. Have a happy Tuesday!

Let's All PRAY FOR MICAH!!

Micah has been on my mind a lot lately. Particularly as the holiday seasons come upon us. As a mother, I can only imagine the pain this family is feeling watching their precious little boy fight for his life at such a young age.

When I first became aware of Micah and his situation, I mentioned him to Care Bear and told her that we need to remember to pray for Micah because he is sick and he is even younger that her little sister, Feisty. Care Bear has remembered. Without fail. To pray for him at bed-time every night and at meals. She reminds me to pray for him. She has become Micah's little half-pint prayer warrior.

After Care Bear said her bedtime prayer last night (which of course included Micah), I got to thinking about Micah and his family. I know that they have thousands, and maybe tens or hundreds of thousands of people praying for them. And I thought to myself; let's add some more. Let's spread the word. Let's get as many people we can through this great network of bloggers to pray for Micah! Then I thought, let's specify a day of prayer for Micah. Obviously, pray for him whenever he comes to your mind. But in addition to that, let's set a day and a time where we all stop whatever we are doing and pray all at the same time for this precious little boy. Let's get him home for the holidays to be with his family.

I was thinking that we could set the first day of December as our National Day of Prayer for Micah! Say, 9:00 Mountain Standard Time (you do the math if you are pacific, eastern or otherwise. :-) ? You can pray silently to yourself; you can put the prayer on your blog. No matter; as long as the prayer is being said!

If you are interested in joining this time of prayer for Micah, spread the word! Add the button to your side-bar. Whatever you can to get as many people as we can out there in blog-land praying for Micah!

Liz over at Looney Bin 4 Sure created a button for Micah. You can grab the code for it over on her blog here: http://looneybin4sure.blogspot.com/2006/10/pray-for-micah_28.html. You can also put the graphic I made at the top of this post with the prayer date and time on it in your blog if you'd like. Just click on the "write to me" button on my side bar and I'll send you the code. :-)

I hope you'll join me in this effort to pray for this sweet little boy. If you are going to join me, add your name to Mr. Linky. I'm excited to see how many people we can get praying for this little guy. Spread the word, get those people to spread the word and so on and so forth!

**I am going to make this a sticky post to remain at the top until after December 1. New posts will be below this one.

Thanksgiving Eve

Here I sit at work; on the day before Thanksgiving. Out of about 50 people who work in my office, I think about 10 are actually here. That seems like a pretty reasonable estimate. But it's alright. I purposely didn't take time this year because I am trying to save up some time in the hopes that my husband and I will get to take some time to go on a little trip to Arizona for our 5th anniversary in March.

For fun today, I was in my site-meter going through the referrals to see how people found me. A lot came to me through really interesting google searches. Here's just a few of the google searches that led people to me this week:

• cocoon creatures
• tribute to a loving grandpa
• hix contractions
• spanking mama
• child blinks a lot then stretches
• my embarrassing moment
• grandmas goodnight prayers
• my baby's eyes are blinking a lot
• appropriate punishment for spitting
• I want to quit to be full time mom recommend it or not
• child's prayer for dinner
• little prayer for someone frustrated

Today, in light of the holiday, I would like to give a shout out to all my "moms".

There is, of course, my IRL Mom, who you may know as Grandma Dawn. She's been my mom now for 31 years (almost 32! Gack!) She's a wonderful mom and is an awesome grandma!

Then there is my IRL aunt, who you may know as Morning Glory. I love her to death and spent a couple of fabulous summers at her house with her two daughters. Now, despite distance, we get to keep in touch with eachother on an almost daily basis thanks to the internet.

Over the course of the past few months, there are a few ladies out there who have taken me under their wing and have come to feel like "internet moms". They are fabulous and it's always nice to know that there are people all over the world who are thinking of me and praying for me and interested in my life. So, thanks to my blogging mamas (you all didn't know I adopted you, did you?!)

--Barb from A Chelsea Morning
--Pamela from Just The Two Of Us
--Linda from The Middle Years
--Diane from Partners in Prayer for our Prodigals

I am thankful for so many things, but today I wanted to especially thank the special ladies in my life! I hope your holiday is a blessed one!

**And here's a little tidbit: I am thisclose to hitting 10,000 visitors to my so called life!! Woo-hooo! Think we can mark the milestone by getting me 10,000 comments?! Uhhh....just kidding!

"Just Keep Swimmin' "

"Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills! You know what you do when life gets you down? Just keep swimmin', swimmin', swimmin. What do we do? We swim, swim, swim". --Dory (spoken to the eternal pessimistic Marlin; Nemo's Dad)

My daughters are huge fans of the Pixar movies. Every week, there is a different one that they choose to watch over and over and over until I want to rip that particular DVD out of the player and chuck it as far as I can away from our house as I can so that I never have to see it again. Except for "Finding Nemo". There is something about that movie that is so endearing to me. Somehow I don't tire of that one. This week, it is their movie of choice.

I love Dory. Dory is the memory challenged, but forever optimistic fish that befriends Marlin in his search for his son, Nemo after he is captured by deep sea divers and fated to live with Darla, "the fish killer".

Yesterday, while Care Bear was at pre-school and Feisty was in the bath-tub (which seems to be her routine every afternoon after Care Bear goes to school--I personally think it's because she gets the whole tub to herself), I settled on my couch with a blanket and my remote to watch "Days Of Our Lives". I look forward to my one hour a day when I can watch my ridiculous soap while Feisty typically entertains herself doing otherwise. However, yesterday after getting out of the bath, she was determined to watch Nemo. Nevermind the fact that she had already watched it once that morning and that mommy was desperately trying to find out what Lucas was going to do to E.J. after he attacked Sami. Nothin' doin'. She wasn't going to be happy 'til she got her 2nd Nemo fix of the day. So, I reluctantly and almost tearfully switched the TV from TV mode to DVD mode and popped in the DVD for her. I determined that I would have to just find out what Lucas did to Sami via Dustin's Days Page.

I plopped back on the couch with "Chicken Soup For the Parent's Soul" to read some awe-inspiring stories of parent-hood when I heard my door knob rattling and someone attempting to get in. I panicked slightly until I saw a little blonde headed girl walk up the stairs and make herself at home. Blondie 2 had decided to pay us a little visit and promptly sat down next to Feisty to engage in Nemo with her. For the next half hour or so, my book took a back-seat to the sheer entertainment and heart-mushy feeling I was getting watching this little 2 year old and 3 year old sit together watching this movie with the occasional conversation:

Blondie 2: "Hey Feisty. They're going to touch the butt". (If you haven't seen Nemo, this particular sentence won't make sense to you. Watch it. It's worth your time).

Feisty: "Yeah. They're gonna touch the butt. I no want to go out there. It's scary!"

A few moments of silence.

Blondie 2: "Hey Feisty! Look at my owie." (Holding up her foot for Feisty to look at).
Feisty: "Oh. Yeah. You should wear shoes!" (Blondie 2 never wears shoes or socks....regardless of the weather).

I got a real kick out of listening to their conversations. I could see my daughter 12 years from now as a teenager sitting on the couch with her friends having conversations like that; but on a more adult level.

As I continued to listen to their conversation, my eyes glanced back at the TV just as Marlin discovered that Dory had dropped the mask that gave them the clue as to where Nemo was located. Marlin believed that all was lost. He was ready to give up. And then I heard the quote. Dory said, "Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills! You know what you do when life gets you down? Just keep swimmin, Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin, swimmin, swimmin; what do you do you swim, swim, swim!"

And then my mind wandered back to last week; the week of my funk. The week where I felt like Marlin, the pessimist.

And right then I realized, that without even realizing it, that "the funk" seemed to have passed. There was no bolt of lightning that hit me that took me out of it; no defining moment. I didn't just wake up one morning and say to myself, "Wow. Great. The funk seems to have passed." I just discovered that the clutching feeling in my stomach was gone. The "crawly" feeling was gone. The angst was gone. I was actually sitting on my couch, relaxing and not feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. It was a cool feeling to realize that, and an even weirder feeling to realize that I hadn't noticed it before.

The weekend was great. My girls were great. They had a wonderful time at the birthday party they went to this weekend. They went to bed good and slept all through the night without waking me up. And they had a good time at church on Sunday. I got a nap on Sunday afternoon when my wonderful Dad took them to the park, and we had a good time at my in-laws Sunday evening.

I don't believe that my funk passed simply because they were "good and well-behaved" for me this weekend.....although that certainly did help. Thinking back on it, I believe it was gone before the weekend even came.

The quote from Dory in that movie made me realize that her advice is what I practiced last week in the midst of my funk. No, I didn't keep swimmin'. But I did keep goin'. As much as I wanted to just lay in my bed the whole week with the covers over my head and pretend that nothing and no-one existed, I didn't do that. I really didn't have any choice. I just kept goin'. And by being pro-active, and forcing myself to focus on postive things rather than dwelling on negative, my negative feelings began to cease. Slowly, but surely. And without me even noticing it.

I'm hoping that I don't feel that low again anytime soon, but in the event that I do, I know how to combat it.

A few more positive things have occurred recently as well. The director of Care Bear's pre-school caught me in the hall yesterday and informed me that someone donated some scholarship money to the school and that Care Bear was one of the recipients of that scholarship money. Her December tuition is paid for thanks to the kindness of someone un-known to me.

My husband's attitude towards life lately seems to have changed significantly. And it's all thanks to his being a part of the Praise Band at our church. My husband lives and breathes music. He needs music as much as he needs air and water. Almost all of his free time is somehow spent revolved around music. He used to be in a band with some friends, long before he met me, but nothing ever happened with his band. Since then, he has said time and time again how he wishes he could somehow be part of a band again. Enter: Praise Band. Granted, it's not the type of music that he typically likes to play or listen to. But he has enjoyed it nonetheless. Playing the drums again has done wonders for his self-esteem and his need to play music.

One of his favorite activities is to stand for hours at his CD burner, with his MP3 player and make mixed CD after mixed CD after mixed CD. Most often, unsavory music that I could really do without. However, lately, his tastes have turned to Christian music. His mission: to find songs that our band can play. He spent hours last night preparing a CD to present to our band as potential music to play. He listens to the Christian radio station in his truck. He often talks about ways to improve our performances. And recently, he has been asked by two of the members in our praise band to join their other band that they have. If he can secure a drum set (which we are working on), he's as good as a member of the band. I can not tell you how much this prospect excites him.

He told me last night that he was going through his HUMONGOUS collection of CDs and that there are a lot of them in there that he doesn't even feel that he can play or listen to anymore because they are "too negative". The seeds have been planted.....

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

P.S....I just did the Holiday Meme over at my meme blog. Go check it out, too, and consider yourself tagged!

Christmas Tour of Homes

Woo-hoo!! It's the Christmas tour of homes, y'all! I am so excited. Go on over to BooMama for the details. Deck the halls, y'all! :-)

Continuing on the Positive Trend

The other day, I did a post focusing on the positive things in my life to keep my focus and combat the negative. In continuing this trend, I thought of some more. It seems to be helping a little, and despite the fact that I had the stomach flu all day yesterday and the hubby had to come home from work to take care of the kids, and despite the fact that our nice, expensive flat screen TV quit working yesterday for some unknown reason, I'm feeling a little better.

• Karen gave birth to Baby Boy Trade-Off yesterday afternoon at 4:47. He was 8 lbs 10 oz and 21 inches. I've seen pictures and let me tell you; there is no shortage of beauty in that family. Go on over there if you haven't already and congratulate the whole Trade-Off family!
• My best childhood friend gave birth to a baby boy a week and a half ago. 8 lbs 12 oz and 21 inches long.
• My cousin's wife, Sherry gave birth to an adorable little boy at the end of October. He's a doll baby as well.
• My other cousin's wife, Amanda, is pregnant with her second child; also a boy.
• My cousin, Beth got to be in the delivery room when Karen gave birth to baby boy Trade-Off and did a beautiful tribute to the miracle of child-birth over on her blog today. Go read it. It's lovely.
• My children are lucky enough to be watched by my mother....free of charge....rather than go to a daycare or babysitter. She selflessly went part time at her job so I could continue to stay at home part time with my children and not have to pay astronomical day care fees.
• Care Bear got invited to her first friend birthday party for a friend of hers in pre-school. She's giddy with excitement and has been counting down the days until she gets to go tomorrow at 3:00!
• I have a Bible Study group who I meet with weekly on Thursday mornings. I look forward to this every week as my chance to get to interact with other young moms going through the same things I am going through. Unfortunately, this week when I could have used that time the most, I was sick at home in bed and praying to the porcelain god. We are currently studying Old Testament history and I have to say it is very fascinating.
• I have a wonderful immediate family and extended family who are all wonderfully supportive and love eachother unconditionally.
• I have been lucky enough to have the same job for ten years now, and while it is not my "dream job", I get paid for it, I get benefits, I like the people I work with, and they are willing to work with my part time schedule.....which is very hard to find these days. And when I am ready to go back full time they are ready for me to do so.
• When I ever get back into school full-time, since I do work for a University, some of my credits will get paid for.

Coming up with this list of things to be thankful for has really taken the focus off of the negative things that I feel I have been overwhelmed with. Challenging myself to find the positives rather than the negatives has been helpful. I really do have a lot to be thankful for. And I'm also grateful for my.....

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for this day and thank you for all the things we did today. Please, please help Micah to get better. And please help me not to have bad dreams. and help Blondie 1's wall to not be broken anymore. I mean, help her window to not be broken anymore, because someone threw a rock in it and broke her window. I don't know who did it. But maybe someday I'll know. Help it to get fixed so she doesn't get cold at night when she's sleeping. And I love you.

Amen!

She then went on to say goodnight to everything: "Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight mush. Goodnight chicken nuggets. Goodnight sauce. Goodnight socks. Goodnight cow....." until she fell asleep.

Focus On The Positive

I wrote a post earlier today that was extremely depressing. I even posted it and left it up for awhile, but then after reading it I was concerned that someone might call the suicide hotline or something so I decided to take it down. No worries; I'm not that depressed, but I couldn't stand to leave it up. Those of you who subscribe to me through bloglines may still be subjected to it and already have read it. If so, just keep me in your thoughts and prayers. In the meantime, I decided to focus on the positive things that are going on instead of all the negative. Try to be a "glass full" kinda gal. So, in the interest of maintaining my sanity, the positives in my so called life:

• I had Anakin's conference last week. The good news is that he has a fantastic teacher this year that he absolutely loves, which is always a plus. She is a kind, caring woman who has Anakin's best interests at heart and is committed to helping us with Anakin's ADHD sans drugs. We came up with some plans and ideas to assist him and we're implementing some of them right now. So far, so good.
• I had Care Bear's conference with her pre-school teacher last week as well. Her teacher absolutely loves Care Bear and has no concerns where she is concerned either academically or socially. Care Bear is ready for kindergarten....and then some. She can spell her name, write her name, recognize her name. She knows the alphabet; she can count to 30 and beyond. She knows the days of the week and the months of the year. She is learning about sounding out letters and now walks around counting numbers on the calendar and sounding out letters all the time. Her vocabulary amazes me every day. The other day she informed me that I am "tremendous", and last night when she was frustrated by her glasses (more on the glasses situation later), she was moaning that "this is so traumatic!"
• Feisty is feisty; but she is an extremely kind-hearted and empathetic little feisty. She is my little peace maker and is very concerned whenever anyone is upset, sad or angry. She adores her sister more than words can say. Last night when I was down in the dumps, and visibly so, Feisty came up to me and hugged my arm and lay her head on my lap. She told me, "It's OK, Mommy."
• On the glasses front; Care Bear and Feisty both now have appointments for their eyes on December 4. At that time I will find out if Feisty has to wear glasses and be able to order new ones for Care Bear. In the meantime, the eye center has said that they can fix Care Bear's stem temporarily until we order her new ones after her appointment.
• Hubby and I were able to get out last Friday night together. Anakin stayed with his aunt and uncle and the girls stayed with my mom. While the "evening out" certainly did not take away the anxiety I seem to be experiencing lately, at least for awhile I was able to try and forget about it.
• The holidays are coming up. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....all of them. I'm hoping that the holidays serve as a distraction from whatever my problem is this year, rather than my problems dampening the holidays. I always start to decorate my house the day after Thanksgiving, so in just a little over a week, my house will be decked out, the Christmas CDs will be out and a fire in the fireplace will be a mainstay in my house....oh yeah!
• Last year, the day we decorated our Christmas tree, my husband went out and purchased "The Polar Express". As sort of a last minute idea, we invited my parents to come over and watch it with us and have hot chocolate and a fire in the fireplace. It was such a wild success with the kids that whenever they get the urge to watch "The Polar Express", they have to watch it accompanied with hot chocolate....whether it's the middle of the summer, or if there is snow on the ground. We decided to make it a tradition and our 2nd annual "Polar Express" viewing will be the day after Thanksgiving after we decorate our tree. This year I'm going to make more treats and also invite my husband's side of the family. It'll be a good time. I love that we started a new tradition for our kids.
• My garbage disposal is working again (knock on wood), and I got the clean clothes put away. As long as I close Anakin's bedroom door, my house looks somewhat clean.
• My kids love me. Ornery or not; disobedient or not; rowdy or not; they love me. And they know I love them. That's enough to give me a smile.

So, there it is. My list of positives. And now for a.....

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for this day; it was the best day ever. I loved all the things we did today. And please help Micah to get better because I don't want him to be sick. And please help me not to have bad dreams. And thank you for this day. I love you. Amen.

The Funk Continues

I'm not sure what is going on with me these past few days. Usually I'm a pretty content person. I'll have the occasional day now and then where I feel down in the dumps, but it typically doesn't last more than a day. I've felt this way all week and I can't pinpoint one certain thing that is making me feel so low. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, but I have no way to get out of my skin. The smoking cessation isn't going as smoothly as I had hoped. I set a plan in motion for myself to make next Tuesday my "put on the patch" day, but I don't know.

I feel like I want a "getaway" but in picturing my getaway, I still feel "crawly". I feel like my whole body has "Restless Leg Syndrome".

I'm not out of my anti-anxiety medication, which is often a question I get when I'm not feeling "quite right". It's not "that time of the month". I wish there was a plausible excuse for the way I'm feeling because then at least I would know that there's a time I can pinpoint when I may feel better.

I'm almost starting to wonder if there is something physically wrong with me that is making me feel like this, but how am I supposed to explain something like that to a doctor? "Um yeah, doc, I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Nothing feels right or normal. Yes, I am taking my anti-anxiety medication. No, I'm not on drugs. But is there one you can give me that will fix this?"

I'm not used to this feeling and I'm not enjoying it. Not.One.Bit. Even then "getaway" of my paying job isn't relieving this feeling, which indicates to me that it's not just the stresses of home-life that are getting to me.

This is not a fun place to be right now, so I don't blame any of you if you remove me from your bloglines so you don't have to keep listening to me whine.

**In some fun news: My best friend throughout childhood gave birth to her third baby; a boy; on Wednesday. 8 lbs 12 oz and 21.5 inches. Can you say huge?

**Anxiously awaiting the news of Baby Trade Off any day now.

**The other day, Care Bear told me I'm "tremendous". At least my kids don't seem to be sensing the way I feel. I feel like the crapola-ness is oozing out of my pours, so good to know that she still thinks the world of me.

Unabashed Honesty

The last week or so, I have struggled to figure out something to write about. Nothing seems to be coming to me that seems worth posting, or anything that you all would be interested in reading about. I've actually been feeling a little on the bummed out side the past week or so; motivation to do anything is minimal.

--My garbage disposal has been giving me fits the past couple of weeks so dishes pile up
--I've got clean clothes piled up all over the place that need to be put away
--dirty clothes that need to be washed
--the kids seem extra ornery these days
--My husband and I haven't been out together in months
--Money, to put it mildly, is tight...as tight as a drum.

To use Karen's term, I'm in a funk.

The money thing is what really has me down right now, and the huge weight of that is making the other things that much harder to deal with.

--Care Bear needs to new glasses; her stem came off and they are being held together with tape right now. They are so scratched up I don't know how she can see out of them.
--Feisty, I'm concerned, may need glasses, too. She's blinking a lot lately, and when Care Bear was diagnosed with amblyopia I was pregnant with Feisty and they told me that the likelihood of the baby I was carrying having the same thing is high. I've been obsessively monitoring her eyes since she was born and lately I wonder if I need to get her into the eye doctor.
--My insurance doesn't cover eye care. What is wrong with that picture?! I work for the state.....shouldn't they assume that a good percentage of the people (which is thousands upon thousands) maybe, just maybe, may have the need to have their eyes cared for?!
--Anakin needs to get some cavities filled; Care Bear needs to get a cavity filled.
--My wages are currently being garnished a ridiculous amount out of every paycheck for a hospital bill from several years ago. This shouldn't be going on much longer.

And (here is where the unabashed honesty comes in), I have a habit. The habit I've had has been with me off and on for about 10 years now. The habit came along during a stressful time in my life and while the habit is anything but healthy, it helps relieve stress. Those of you who don't have the habit probably will see that as a cop-out and can never understand how it relieves stress, and how extremely difficult the habit is to break. But the habit is expensive. Given the fact that my money situation is in dire straits, that I have kids that I don't want to expose to this habit anymore, and that eventually the habit could literally be the death of me, I want to quit. But it's harder than anyone can imagine. Add to that the "funk" lately, adding quitting the habit to all of that could easily make me a very irritable and not fun person to be around.

I hope I don't embarass my mom to tears that I am divulging this information to the world...or the ten people who read my blog....but it's my blog and it's something I'm dealing with that I could use the support of all the wonderful people I've met here in blogland. And I sincerely hope that those of you who think I'm this great person don't lose your respect for me and instead see this as me being completely honest and wanting to do what's best for me and my family.

The habit is smoking. When I'm being constantly harassed by people to quit the habit, I always tell myself and them that there are far worse habits out there I could have. I don't have a drinking problem; I don't do drugs; I don't gamble; I take care of my kids. I hear stories all the time from Anakin's biological mom of people she knows who have lost their kids to the system due to habits that they have that make them incapable of taking care of their kids. And smoking doesn't keep me from taking care of my kids in that I'm not incapacitated to the point that they are getting themselves ready for school and making their own meals.

Awhile back, I told my mom that I wanted the patch to see if that could help in anyway. That day she ran out and got me a box of the patch. It's been several weeks and I keep "mentally preparing" myself for the day that I open that box and stick the patch on. But it's the mental preparation part that is hard. What do I do when I get stressed out? When I need a few minutes away from the chaos in my home? It is a habit, and any habit is hard to break and takes time and patience.

I rue the day that I first lit up one of those things and put it to my lips. I was in a vulnerable and impressionable time in my life and "everyone else was doing it". I know that's not an excuse, but that's how it happened.

So, there I am putting it all out there for you folks. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. I've done things in my life I'm not proud of. This is the one remaining thing that I have that I continue to hold on to and is very hard to get rid of. And these are things that are on my mind today. I'm just a big, giant ball of stress right now, and I thank you for listening. And I hope you still love me.

Peace.

**Anyone who reads my blog and knows me in real life....please don't pass this information on to others that know me who don't read my blog. I appreciate it.

Wordless Wednesday--Two For the Price of One

Anakin the Jack-O-Lantern

Feisty--my little lady bug