The last week or so, I have struggled to figure out something to write about. Nothing seems to be coming to me that seems worth posting, or anything that you all would be interested in reading about. I've actually been feeling a little on the bummed out side the past week or so; motivation to do anything is minimal.
--My garbage disposal has been giving me fits the past couple of weeks so dishes pile up
--I've got clean clothes piled up all over the place that need to be put away
--dirty clothes that need to be washed
--the kids seem extra ornery these days
--My husband and I haven't been out together in months
--Money, to put it mildly, is tight...as tight as a drum.
To use Karen's term, I'm in a funk.
The money thing is what really has me down right now, and the huge weight of that is making the other things that much harder to deal with.
--Care Bear needs to new glasses; her stem came off and they are being held together with tape right now. They are so scratched up I don't know how she can see out of them.
--Feisty, I'm concerned, may need glasses, too. She's blinking a lot lately, and when Care Bear was diagnosed with amblyopia I was pregnant with Feisty and they told me that the likelihood of the baby I was carrying having the same thing is high. I've been obsessively monitoring her eyes since she was born and lately I wonder if I need to get her into the eye doctor.
--My insurance doesn't cover eye care. What is wrong with that picture?! I work for the state.....shouldn't they assume that a good percentage of the people (which is thousands upon thousands) maybe, just maybe, may have the need to have their eyes cared for?!
--Anakin needs to get some cavities filled; Care Bear needs to get a cavity filled.
--My wages are currently being garnished a ridiculous amount out of every paycheck for a hospital bill from several years ago. This shouldn't be going on much longer.
And (here is where the unabashed honesty comes in), I have a habit. The habit I've had has been with me off and on for about 10 years now. The habit came along during a stressful time in my life and while the habit is anything but healthy, it helps relieve stress. Those of you who don't have the habit probably will see that as a cop-out and can never understand how it relieves stress, and how extremely difficult the habit is to break. But the habit is expensive. Given the fact that my money situation is in dire straits, that I have kids that I don't want to expose to this habit anymore, and that eventually the habit could literally be the death of me, I want to quit. But it's harder than anyone can imagine. Add to that the "funk" lately, adding quitting the habit to all of that could easily make me a very irritable and not fun person to be around.
I hope I don't embarass my mom to tears that I am divulging this information to the world...or the ten people who read my blog....but it's my blog and it's something I'm dealing with that I could use the support of all the wonderful people I've met here in blogland. And I sincerely hope that those of you who think I'm this great person don't lose your respect for me and instead see this as me being completely honest and wanting to do what's best for me and my family.
The habit is smoking. When I'm being constantly harassed by people to quit the habit, I always tell myself and them that there are far worse habits out there I could have. I don't have a drinking problem; I don't do drugs; I don't gamble; I take care of my kids. I hear stories all the time from Anakin's biological mom of people she knows who have lost their kids to the system due to habits that they have that make them incapable of taking care of their kids. And smoking doesn't keep me from taking care of my kids in that I'm not incapacitated to the point that they are getting themselves ready for school and making their own meals.
Awhile back, I told my mom that I wanted the patch to see if that could help in anyway. That day she ran out and got me a box of the patch. It's been several weeks and I keep "mentally preparing" myself for the day that I open that box and stick the patch on. But it's the mental preparation part that is hard. What do I do when I get stressed out? When I need a few minutes away from the chaos in my home? It is a habit, and any habit is hard to break and takes time and patience.
I rue the day that I first lit up one of those things and put it to my lips. I was in a vulnerable and impressionable time in my life and "everyone else was doing it". I know that's not an excuse, but that's how it happened.
So, there I am putting it all out there for you folks. I'm not perfect. I've never claimed to be. I've done things in my life I'm not proud of. This is the one remaining thing that I have that I continue to hold on to and is very hard to get rid of. And these are things that are on my mind today. I'm just a big, giant ball of stress right now, and I thank you for listening. And I hope you still love me.
Peace.
**Anyone who reads my blog and knows me in real life....please don't pass this information on to others that know me who don't read my blog. I appreciate it.
21 comments:
Praise the Lord for your unabashed honesty. You can't quit something you don't acknowledge (quote Dr. Phil). This is a HUGE prayer request for all of the prayer warriors that we know in this wonderful world of compassionate bloggers. God will honor your honesty and help you if you but ask Him. He will also help you find another way to de-stress!
Honey, you don't need to think any of us who love you will think less of you for admitting this. We knew anyway and it just doesn't matter in how we feel about you. Recognizing the problem is a start. As you know, our family has dealt with serious issues too, and the beautiful thing about family is that we pull together and support each other.
There are so many wonderful blog friends who are prayer warriors and who will faithfully pray for strength for you. You KNOW you have our love and prayers. Hang in there and take that next step. Jesus will walk WITH you through the valleys. He doesn't just say "good luck" and "I'll see you on the other side."
I do not think any less of you for your smoking habit. I wish you all the luck in the world. I've known a few people who have quit smoking. It isn't easy, but it can be done :)
Kristen,
You have unleashed the maternal feelings I have had for you since the first day you visited my blog! Please don't hear that the wrong way--I simply mean there has long been something in your writing that has captured my maternal instincts. I have found such joy in reading your blog, meeting your mom, and celebrating and praying with your family over the last few months.
No, I do not think any less of you. I admire your courage and your willingness to share openly and honestly. Perhaps that is what drew me to your site....I value people who do not wear masks.
I so want to just give you a hug, I'll leave that to your mom! I so want to say just the right words that will ignite your desire into action. Still, I know how difficult breaking an unhealthy coping mechanism. I have found that where one needs to be broken, a healthy one needs to replace it. Fill the void--so to speak.
Yes, stress needs a release. And it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress at this point. You are doing the right thing though Kristen! You have acknowledged your weakness. You have spoken your desire. You also have your past history to draw from...you are a strong woman who has faced other challenges. Lean on that strength! Lean on people nearby who will support you.
Find an accountability partner....maybe someone who has quit smoking and can support and encourage you through this....during times that you feel weakened and tempted.
Set your goal.....do the self-talk necessary. List other activities that you could quickly and easily do instead of lighting up. How about blogging?!?!? Going for a walk? Reading? A soothing bath? I don't know what that would look like for you...but definitely something that would replace your 5 minute smokes. It will take energy and self-discipline...but you already know you can do those things.
Maybe journaling; for me, when I have needed to step out of unhealthy coping mechanisms.....even just writing down, "I really want to _________ right now. These are the reasons I am choosing to not to it: my children, my finances, my well-being, my fortitude, my values, etc."
This isn't going to be a fast-food kind of thing....no drive-thru answers. But let me join in, with your other 10 readers!!!!!!, to say, we are here to support you in any way possible.
Take a deep breathe (of fresh air). Settle in to a very good plan of quitting smoking....knowing full well that with God on your side....you can do ALL things. Which brings to mind something I have done frequently, I listen to selected, or chosen songs that inspire me. Sometimes my strength has been boosted just by listening to a favorite CD with meaningful songs.
There...I have once again written a novela when I simply meant to write a note of encouragement! I will be praying for you as you struggle with this unwanted habit. Maybe you can journal your experience through this....then write a book about your experiences.....and get it published. That would help with the finances too!
I leave you with the words I would say to my own daughter....You can do this!
Your blogging "Mom"
Diane
P.S. Is there anyone at your church that is a handyman? Our church has a group of volunteers called "More than a Carpenter" that will go to people's homes and help them with their repairs and such. Maybe this is an option for your dishwasher
As for the laundry...YIKES! Maybe it's time to start teaching the kids how to do their own laundry! :)
Diane
I love your honesty! it is refreshing and by being open and honest we can help a lot of others along the way!
so you go girl and just take things one day at a time! that's what I try to do and pray about it. Ask your Heavenly Father to show you how to finally kick the habit to the curb.... and He will....cuz He loves you and is faithful!
Hi Kristen,
Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in as your brother in the Lord.
Your news isn't news. But it is good to be honest with fellow Christians. I'm glad you have shared your faults. We all have them! The Church should be a place to be share ups and downs with members, and not a place to share 'juicy' tidbits of info about others!
Back in 1991, I was in jail for a dumb prank that me and my friends pulled. I smoked cigarettes, cigars, etc. before I went there, and smoked very heavily while incarcerated. There was nothing else to do beside play cards and smoke all day long! Since then, I have quit. It is possible if you want to.
I'll give you my opinion on praying about it. God will do nothing to help you through it. You have to decide for yourself to quit, just as you decided for yourself to start! It will be hard. Even after 10+ years, I still have a craving from time to time. Out in Boston, there was a place that sold all sorts of tobacco products not far from ENC, and the smell just made my mouth water...
The benefits of stopping are wonderful. Your health, your kids health, your budget! Just imagine not getting sick as often. And, as a sociologist, sorry to say but if parents smoke, the odds of their kids smoking goes way up.
Most importantly, don't feel like the Church will judge you. If some do, then they have serious problems. It is Our responsibility to help you through – we all love you! Good luck, and I hope you make it.
I completely admire your honesty, that is something so many strive for. Best of luck at the hard task, I'll be praying for you.
Hi, Kristen!
I just wanted to say that you don't need to hide around us. No one's got it all together.
You already feel bad enough about smoking. You already know that it's not good for your body. Why should you have the added guilt and stress of having to hide it? And why should you have to worry about getting yelled at for it? It's hard enough to deal with as it is.
Anyway, why should I (or anyone) judge you? There are many things that I could be judged for, too. You know - the plank in my own eye tells me that I shouldn't make a fuss at the splinter in yours.
(Also, don't worry about us blabbing to anyone in the real world. That's none of our business!)
Love ya
You smoke, and I eat. Is there a difference?
I'll pray for you, will you pray for me?
I've never met a perfect person. I've met some that think they are, but I didn't care for them. ;o) We all have habits that we wish we didn't have. Smoking is hard to quit, and it's not fun. You'll do what is right for you, when it is right. Just don't get me started on my bad habits. I'd take over your comment list.
I echo many, many of the same sentiments these other wonderful people have said. You are loved and surrounded with prayer. You can do this.
Regarding the healthcare stuff with the girls and Anakin's teeth--- does your state have an insurance program for children whose parents are "underinsured"? It can't hurt to call an ask. There are also many organizations that might be able to help with the glasses.
There's no shame in honesty, Kristen. I love you, friend.
I smoked for about 35 years. Quitting 7 years ago was the best thing I ever did for myself. I tried gum, patches, hypnosis, and various other gadgets before I quit for good. It's something that you may fail at many times but if you keep at it you will eventually succeed. Only you can do it and you have to want to quit bad enough to do it. I honestly believe that it makes your nerves worse instead of better. Good luck!
Geez Kristen...you're human. I mean, seriously.
I won't preach, but even though smoking will not cause CPS to come and take your kids, it can kill you. Then your kids would be without you forever. I am so proud that you are acknowledging that you need to quit. And you can do it!
Put that patch on girl! PUT IT ON!!!!
woohooo!!!
It's all been said, but I personally think prayer is the most important tool in your quest. Best wishes as you take that path. You have the support you need, I hope to hear status reports good or bad in the future!
Go Kristen!
I admire your honesty and wanting to share this with people. Best of luck with the task ahead, you will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Don't beat yourself up! We all struggle with SOME addiction at one time or another.
I also smoked for over 20 years...then I quit February 5th, 2004. God told me to. I was really worried...cause I had tried before...unsuccessfully, but once God decided it was coming before Him...He made me give it up.
I'll pray for you...Your mom is right...God will totally honor your honesty and your humble spirit! You go girl! We're here for the vent capacity, so don't sweat it. I'm sure I'm among many other when I say you can always email privately when you want to curse like a sailor or just cry like a baby! I'll pray it goes with ease and pain free to you AND your family.
Kristen, I love and admire your honesty. Quitting smoking has to come from your heart.
Make a list of pro's on the left and con's on the right. Such has: It makes me feel good-pro. It's like carrying around a ball and chain-con. Then motivate yourself to see it through. 21 days is all it takes to break a habbit. No going back, why would you want to put yourself through that all over again. Reward yourself, instead of buying the cigs, put the money in a safe place be faithful as this is "your reward". When you feel an urge to smoke get through those five minutes or so by excercising or flicking a rubberband on your wrist, or sucking on a sugarfree candy.
The patch works or else they wouldn't make birth control patches. It delivers enough nicotine into your system that once you realize that it will dawn on you that most of it is the habbit.
I will be there for you should you decide to quit. The first three days are the hardest.
I quite when the Doctor told me I would die if I didn't. He gave me three weeks to do it. It was my first time trying to quit after 19 years and I have never felt better! I is the best thing I ever did for myself. Now when people walk by me that smoke. I am amazed how bad they stink. I also am ashamed to admit that I smoked and found it really hard to even comment for you. Good luck and God be with you! :)
I can sense how stressed you are Kristen. Money problems will do it every time. So trying to quit smoking in the middle of a high stress time like this probably won't work, patch or no patch.
You know what? You're real. So you're not perfect. Neither am I. Guess what? I smoke, too. And I know a few other bloggers out here who also smoke. It's not my information to share, but believe me, you and I aren't the only ones. So there. Let's both just shock bloggityville. It's the most awful thing I ever started and almost impossible to stop.
You don't have to worry that people won't think as highly of you if they know you smoke. I defy anyone out there to toss stones at my house. I really don't care very much for perfect people, do you? Who needs to surround themselves with a bunch of Barbies and Kens. I don't have time for plastic people.
Good for you for being so transparent and honest. And it's OK to post about being in a funk. We all go through that.
If anything, Kristen, your honesty makes me love you even more. We all stumble, we all have weaknesses. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
I just reread my comment and it sounds harsh and I didn't mean it to. I just hate for you to worry that people will criticize or judge you. I really think, especially after reading all the encouraging comments you've gotten on this post, that people understand we all have things we struggle with. So I hope you can see by these comments that no one's thinking badly of you at all. Actually, I think people think more highly of you because you're so honest. :-)
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