I debated telling people about my pregnancy. I waited a long time until I thought it was a "safe" time to tell. You know....past the "first tri-mester" mark when you can be pretty sure you're not going to mis-carry. Miscarry....holding your breath for that first three months hoping against hope that all goes well until you are "in the clear". I thought I was in the clear. Slowly I began to tell people that yes, I am expecting another child. Like it and be happy for me if you want, and just pretend and try to be supportive of me if you're not happy about it because this baby is coming whether you like it or not.

I was in denial for quite awhile. I was in a little bit of panic mode for awhile. Eventually as the days and weeks continued to pass by and the signs that I was most definitely pregnant began to get more prominent (i.e. unbearable nausea, extreme exhaustion, my very steady weight increasing) I began to come out of denial and accept and even become excited about my upcoming arrival. Still nervous and not sure how I was going to handle yet another child, I realized that somehow I would make it work and the focus had to begin to move towards preparing mentally and otherwise for this child.

The doctor who I had gone to and who delivered both of my girls (whom I absolutely loved) retired and sold his practice shortly after I had Feisty. Since that time, I have not had a regular OB/GYN. For those types of appointments, I would just go to my regular doctor. However, once finding out I was going to have another baby, I didn't feel that great about going to my general family doctor for my pregnancy and delivery. But I wasn't sure where I wanted to go. I ended up deciding to search in the town where I work rather than where I live because most likely my appointments would be during work days and I would rather just drive five or ten minutes from my office than drive all the way to the town I live. Plus I love the hospital where I had the girls (and where I was born as well), and decided I would like to have this one there as well. I had really great birthing experiences with both of my girls at the hospital up here.

Ironically, I ultimately decided to go to the place where my old doctor's practice used to be, which is still an OB/GYN clinic. It feels like going "home" when I am there. I had really great pregnancy experiences with my girls and walking back into that office for the first time since having Feisty gave me a little bit of an excited feeling. It was the first time I really started feeling excited and that this is actually happening.

This place is a small clinic. It has one doctor and two mid-wives. I much prefer that type of setting over the gigantic clinics that have two dozen doctors where you might....just might....see the same doctor twice throughout your entire pregnancy....and no telling who might deliver your child.

I was set to have my first ultra-sound this past Wednesday (two days ago). I've always loved ultra-sounds. To me, there is nothing more exciting than seeing your child for the first time in real life. This time was no different. I was really anxious to see the baby. Mike went with me. We went through the ultra sound, saw the baby, saw the heart beat, asked if she could tell the gender (full well knowing she wouldn't be able to, but you know....maybe technology has increased by leaps and bounds in the three years since Feisty was born.....you never know). After the ultra sound, she asked us to go take a seat in the waiting room until the doctor was ready to see us.

When she came back out to get us, instead of having us go into another room, she had us go back into the ultra-sound room. She said the doctor wanted to see the ultra-sound "live". I immediately got a bad feeling. I asked the lab tech if there was something wrong. She responded by saying that sometimes the doctor just likes to do this. I knew that was a cop-out. Sure enough, after the doctor came in and start prodding around with that ultra-sound wand and using language a civilian could never understand I knew something was wrong. In laymans terms, "something is wrong, but we're not quite sure what". She of course expanded by pointing out on the ultra sound a "membrane" filled with liquid along the back of the baby's head and down along the spine. Without getting into a whole lot of detail with us, she said she wanted us to see a perinatal specialist in Denver immediately to find out more. The doctor she wanted us to see is a world-renowned perinatal specialist who has opened up a clinic specializing in high-risk and complicated pregnancies. Let me tell you just how fabulous it made me feel that my pregnancy warranted a visit to a high-risk/complicated pregnancy doctor. Just to show you how serious they were about checking out this pregnancy, here is the doc's bio:

John C. Hobbins, MD

Dr. Hobbins received his BS from Hamilton College in New York in 1958 and his MD from New York Medical College. He completed a rotating internship at Greenwich Hospital in Connecticut in 1964, and served as a resident and instructor in obstetrics and gynecology at Yale-New Haven Medical Center, also in Connecticut. Dr. Hobbins has served in professional appointments in the field of obstetrics and gynecology as both physician and professor. In 1980, he became professor of obstetrics and
gynecology and professor of diagnostic radiology at the Yale University School
of Medicine. He was also assistant chair of Yale's Department of Obstetrics and
Gynecology. After spending 22 years at Yale, the last several as director of
obstetrics, he moved to the University of Colorado in 1992. Dr. Hobbins is an
active member of more than a dozen professional obstetrics and gynecology and
ultrasound societies. He received an honorary master's degree from Yale
University in 1980 and was named an honorary member of the Societa Italiana di
Ecografia Ostetrico-Ginecologica. For his numerous contributions to the field of
ultrasound, he received the Ian Donald Gold Medal Award in Japan in 1996. Dr.
Hobbins is the author of more than 500 publications, including 10 books and 27
book chapters.

Yeah. He's big stuff. They didn't even have me see one of his "underlings" whom even as underlings would be a pretty impressive doctor to have. The soonest they could get me into see him was yesterday (which by my standards is pretty soon, but I think they really wanted to get me in that same day). The next 24 hours were hell with lots of tears, fears, and trying to maintain some sort of "Okay-ness" for the kids who wanted nothing more than to see the picture of their baby brother or sister.

My mother-in-law has been visiting for the last couple of weeks. She was set to go home on Wednesday, but for some reason decided to stick around that day. I couldn't have been more grateful for her that evening that she drove up to our house when we thought she was already well on her way back to North Dakota. She stuck around, continued to help out with the kids and took care of them yesterday when we went to our appointment in Denver.

I was trying to be optimistic as we headed for Denver. This fabulous doctor would surely look at our ultra-sound and immediately put any thoughts of something being wrong to rest and chalk it up to a flawed ultra-sound picture. But that is not how it went down. To start off, this is what was found:

That is not two pictures of one baby that you're looking at there. That is pictures of twins. Twins. This day was just getting better and better. The top baby they labeled as "Baby A", the bottom, "Baby B". Had we known the genders, I would have just given them names right there and told them to call them that as "Baby A and B" just seems so cold and impersonal.

Baby A is the bigger of the two, which leads them to believe they are not identical. Baby A is who was originally thought to have the problem. When he initially looked at Baby B he thought there was probably a problem with that one as well but upon further looking he doesn't believe that Baby B has the same problem, or may have a problem just not to quite the degree Baby A does. The kicker? Baby B is quite a bit smaller than Baby A and its placenta is not providing a good home right now.

There is a slight possibility that there could be a "twin-to-twin transfusion" going on, which does only occur with identical twins where one twin un-wittingly transfuses blood through the placenta to the other twin, thereby depriving itself of blood and nutrients; making the other baby significantly larger and causing problems for itself. He doesn't think that's what is going on, however it is a possibility.

The membrane that my doctor here saw that I was hoping was just a figment of her imagination is, in fact, there on Baby A. There is a slight one as well on Baby B, but he said that the one on Baby B could go away and he/she could be perfectly fine. If size weren't an issue.

He wants to do a CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) because he believes there is a chromosome issue going on. He believes this child has an extra chromosome which ultimately results in either Trisomy 13, 18 or 21. 21 is better known as Downs-Syndrome. 13 and 18 result in serious mental retardation and deformities. The baby rarely lives long after birth.

If it is Trisomy 21, there is a 21% chance that after the birth the baby with have Downs Syndrome. A 2.5% chance the baby will die, and a 70% chance the baby will be alive and well. Right now, that is all I am hanging onto.

He wanted to do the CVS yesterday, but due to Baby B's small placenta, he didn't want to risk putting a needle into it yesterday and further risking the baby(s). I have an appointment a week from Tuesday to have the CVS done at which time he believes that the placentas will be able to handle it. However, he says due to Baby B's size, there is a good chance that he/she may not even make it that much longer.

Wednesday after my appointment, I cried....a lot. Yesterday I was numb after our appointment. There was little to no emotion. Everything felt so clinical and matter-of-fact. My MIL still had my kids and I sat in my house and watched my taped Soap Opera and two or three hours of Friends re-runs on TBS. It's all I could handle doing.

Today I got up to go to work. I only got four hours of sleep because MIL stayed at our house until 1:30 a.m. before heading back home to N.Dak. Today she is gone. I'm back at work. I'm facing "normal life" which to me will never feel normal again. The reality of it is all setting in and I am having a very difficult time sitting here at my desk trying to deal with other people's problems which to me feel so trivial right now. I want to be at home hugging and kissing and loving on my kids that I already have. I need that sense of "okay-ness" right now. But nothing feels OK. And I have a week and a half to wait to find out my babies' fate and the decisions I must make as a result.

If you made it through that whole post, I will be surprised. I had to write this out for myself to sort through it all in my head and for those who have asked for an update as to what's going on. I will continue to keep you updated as I know things, or as I feel the need to verbally vomit on my blog everything that I am feeling through this.

Thanks is not a big enough word to thank you for your prayers, support and concern. It means more to me than I can ever convey.