Fear Of Loss

I have not had to deal with a lot of loss in my 31 years (in terms of people I love dying). My great-grandma died when I was about 9 years old, and I lost my 18 year old cousin about 7 or 8 years ago when he fell asleep on the highway driving to go visit his girlfriend in Kansas. Both of these losses were devastating to me in their own right. My great-grandma was my best buddy, and to lose a cousin at such a young age in such a tragic way was awful, to say the least. But to my recollection, in my 31 years, those are the only losses I have experienced. That's really not too bad.

I am lucky enough to still have all four grandparents among the living. And I am doubly lucky that all four grandparents live within a 5 mile radius of me. And my children are unbelievably lucky to have the opportunity to get to know all four of their great grand-parents. If I could have been so lucky.

Every now and then, realizing that my grandparents are getting older, a little thought creeps into my head, "How am I going to handle losing my first grandparent?", but then I dismiss the thought, not wishing to think of such things, and not really worrying too much about it because at that particular moment, it still feels like that will be a ways down the road.

The thought of losing a loved one always terrifies me. I don't like to think about it, and I don't like to face that it is a reality and will happen one of these days. Whenever anyone I love boards a plane, I always have this little nagging feeling inside of me worrying about their safety until I find out that they have, in fact, landed and are safe on solid ground.

My fear of loss suddenly took a flying leap right into my face yesterday evening:

My father's parents (we'll call them grandma and grandpa C) have lived in my town for as long as I can remember. For most of my life, they lived a mere six blocks from me. I would ride my bike over there whenever the desire hit me to see my grandparents. I would stay there for several days and nights at a time if I felt like it. My grandparents were always ready and willing to have me as their guest. When I would spend the night at their house, I remember waking up to the smell of toast and coffee and seeing my grandparents sitting at the table eating their breakfast with the early morning sunlight shining in on the table. My brother and I would sit their eating breakfast with them and then would participate in their early morning devotions, and then not so patiently listen to my grandpa do his post-devotion prayer. To young children, his prayer seemed endless, but he had to include in his prayer every single relative, every single missionary, and every single world leader in existence. Suffice it to say, my grandpa C was a champion pray-er!

My grandma C and I did a lot of home-making type stuff together. To say that she is the epitome of the perfect grandma is an understatement. She is an amazing grandma. We baked cookies together, we made projects together, every Christmas she would have me come over and prepare home made gifts for people. She used to have a very old fashioned washing machine that she would set up in her kitchen and I loved to help her with it because it was so fascinating to me. It made the modern and conventional method of washing clothes seem so boring! She would wash the clothes in a big tin bucket and then turn on the machine and push the clothes through the ringers to squeeze away excess water. The clothes came out of the ringers looking all stiff and then we would go hang them up on the clothes line out to dry. It was a fascinating thing to me.

My grandpa C has always been a rough kind of guy. He was never overly affectionate to the grand-kids and if we dare not eat everything on our plate we were met with a stern stare and an exclamation of, "You eat everything on that plate!" Grandma C, the loving one would return, "Oh, grandpa....". Over the years, grandpa C has softened quite a bit. He has become more generous with his hugs and isn't quite as "rough" as he used to be. My grandpa is 92 years old. He is a retired pastor of the covenant church and has always been an amazing example of a strong, Christian man.

My grandpa's health has been failing greatly over the last year. A few years ago, my grandparents moved into a retirement facility that works in stages. They started out in an apartment when they first moved in. It's a fully functional apartment with kitchen and everything. A few months ago they had to move into assisted living due to my grandfather's continued health problems, his tendency to fall and his inability to control other things. My grandma was having difficulty helping him anymore. My grandma has had a real hard time adjusting to the assisted living aspect because she no longer has a kitchen to cook in, it is a much smaller space and her very identity (that of a home-maker) has literally been taken out from under her.

Last night, I found out that my grandpa had to take the final step: he was moved into the nursing home. When I heard this, it felt like a punch in my stomach. The fear of loss that used to creep in every now and then as a "someday I might lose someone I love" thought had all of a sudden smacked me in the face as a "losing my first grandparent could be here very soon" realization.

I'm 31 years old. I knew that I wouldn't go through my entire life with everyone I love always being there. But losing someone always seemed like such a far-off thing. I don't know how I'll react when my grandpa goes. I don't know what my grandma will do when he's gone. I worry about my Dad when my grandpa goes. He's 64 and still has both of his parents!

My fear of loss is very real right now, and I don't like the feeling. It's a nagging presence in the back of my head and it won't go away.

I can at least be comforted in the knowledge that when he does go, when any of my grandparents go, I know that they will all be in Heaven singing with the angels and walking the streets of gold with their Heavenly father, and one day I will see them again.

I've been truly blessed with the best grandparents (on both sides) I could have ever asked for, which is why the fear of loss is so great for me; I won't have them here on earth to enjoy any longer.